MY Immortal:  A Parody for 'Preps'
by Bad Asp
Summary: Remember "My Immortal", the Harry Potter badfic that's so easy to parody and make fun of?  Well, here's another fanfic author's interpretation!  Perhaps if enough people riff on it, it could be a world record!
1. Chapter 1

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: Special fangz (Get it? Becoz its supposed 2 b "thanks" and I said "fangz" becoz Im supposed 2 b a goffik! Thats what makes it so freakin funny!) to my gf (at least, thats what half of the viewing audience seems 2 think) Raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling (now if only u could learn how 2 spell 2). U rok! Justin Lawson, ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! Toons Vs. Abyss ROX!

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Angelina Contessa Luisa Francesca Banana Fana Fo Fresca Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (because if I don't have EBONY black hair, then why would I be called EBONY, genius?) that reaches my mid-back and has purple streaks and red tips to hide the fact that that isn't my natural hair color, and I have extensions, and icy blue eyes like limpid tears (or is that limpid eyes and icy blue tears? I can never remember which), and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: If u don't know who she is get da hell out of here! ...No, wait! Come back! I need people to actually read my fanfic so that I can become more confident in my subpar writing abilities! In any case, Amy Lee is the lead singer of Evanescence, okay?) I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. And even if he was my brother, I don't care, I'd do him anyway. Anyway, I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white, and none of the characters in this story will actually have both of those two words applied to them! Either one or the other may apply, or neither of them, but not both! I have pale white skin from some kind of skin disorder I neglected to take care of. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England... or is it in Scotland? I'm in the seventh year of kindergarten, and I'm seventeen, so feel free to laugh at me! I still believe I'm a goth (and I'll likely force this down your throats for the rest of the fic) and because I'm actually an emo, I do what all stereotypical emos do and wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there, and I also do my grocery shopping there, too! For example, today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets, and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner, and red eyeshadow. In other words, I'm black and white and red all over! I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun... or whatever. I'm not very good at weather forecasts. Anyway, a lot of preps stared at me. I did the classiest thing I could think of in this situation by raising my middle finger at them.

"Hey, Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up for no reason. "Hello, I'm over HERE, dumbass!" he said, and then I looked in his direction. It was... Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Um, you didn't use a comma in that sentence," he said. "When you say it like that, it implies that there is something up me."

But then, I heard my few friends call me and I had to go away.

AN: IS it good? Or IS it a horrible trainwreck? PLZ tell me, fangz! (Yes, I still think the "fangz" thing is funny!)


	2. Chapter 2

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta, and 4 helpin do my homework 4 me! BTW preps stop flaming ma story, even though it's completely incomprehensible and deserves 2 b flamed ok!

X X X X X X X X X X 6 6 6 X X X X I L I K E H I D I N G S A T A N I C N U M B E R S X X X X

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again, and it will probably be snowing and raining from every day onward in this story! I opened the door of my coffin, which you have to admit is a bit over-the-top, and drank some blood from a bottle even though blood doesn't normally come in bottles. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. Like I said, over-the-top. I got out of my coffin and took off my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas and asserts my status as a consumer whore. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots, and black fishnets, because I believe that by talking about the outfits I'm wearing, I can convince the readers to go out and buy something like that for their very own! I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, because I don't believe that a girl can have too many earrings, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun, which is actually an improvement over my normal hairstyle.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u, except with a different name!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson T-shirt with a black mini, fishnets, and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick, white foundation, and black eyeliner). Because if I'm going to be a consumer whore, I might as well have a friend who's a consumer whore too.

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said like a stereotypical teenage girl.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing, and not from embarrassment from being in a crappy fanfiction.

"Do you like waffles? ...I mean, do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall, two places whose names would tragically be butchered in later chapters.

"No, I so fucking don't!" I swore, thus ensuring that the fic would retain its M rating.

"Yeah, right!" she exclaimed. And by comical coincidence, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I replied unoriginally.

"Guess what," he said.

"What?" I asked, also unoriginally.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade, and even they don't know why they agreed to do something like this in the first place," he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. You know, because as a stereotypical emo, I tend to like alternative boy bands like that. I'd like to have both GC and MCR over and then invite all of them over to my bedroom, because I'd like to have an orgy with nine guys.

"Well... do you want to go with me or not?" he asked impatiently.

I gasped, only because the writer couldn't think of anything for me to say at this moment.


	3. Chapter 3

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ ok! And stop flaming it too! Odderwize fangs 2 da retar- I mean, goffik, yeah that's it, goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGAIN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte, or Good Chralotte, or My Chemical Romance, or anything that isn't a product of my warped mind!

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. (Ripped meaning they couldn't support my cellulite-laden legs.) Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put a matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. When I found out that talking about the stuff I'm wearing actually ANNOYED the readers, I felt depressed, so I slit one of my wrists for what wouldn't be the last time. While I waited for it to stop bleeding, I read a depressing book (which in this case would be any book where everything is spelled correctly and is grammatically correct), and I listened to some GC. Okay, I listened to every track on my Good Charlotte CD, happy? I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner, which resulted in me getting a predictable eye infection. After I went to the hospital to get my eyes taken care of, I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway, and because putting on foundation would actually be too excessive in this situation. I drank some human blood, which I didn't realize was my own, and then I was ready to go to the concert which I totally did not write into the script just so I could rock to some Good Charlotte for myself.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car, which means that I must be confusing this with a Jetsons fanfic. He was wearing a Simple Plan T-shirt (I obsess about other bands besides GC and MCR, who knew?), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: I can make clothing descriptions 4 boyz too!).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice, though the exclamation mark might cause you to assume otherwise.

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate, along with other things in this fic, said 666), and flew to the place with the concert, because flying cars make everything cool. On the way we listened predictably to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs, thus making us people that parents would not want their children to look up to. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte, causing everyone else to stare at us as if we have a mental disorder or something.

"Your common cold, you're covered in mud They're all so happy you're all right The doctor cuts your corn, hangs you to your bomb She sets your tree into this light." sang Joel (at least that's what I think he said, because I think I turned deaf from listening to my GC CD over and over again.)

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, not realizing that he was nearby as well.

Appropriately enough, Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as I was the only one who moshed to the music like a spastic monkey in a blender. Then, about an hour or two later, I finally caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. "Though there will eventually be at least one more hot guy in this fic that I will have a crush on later!"

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively, and he put his arm around me all protective after the author told him to do that.

"Really." I said. "Besides, despite being an ultra-obsessive Good Charlotte fan, I don't even know Joel, and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. And for no explainable reason, I fucking hate that little bitch," I said stereotypically, thinking of the fact that her blonde face is actually prettier than MY ugly mug!

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco, once the Stockholm syndrome kicked in. After the concert, we drank more than the required amount of beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. And being that this is a cliched Mary Sue fic, the two GC members did what I asked them to! We got GC concert tees which would go great with wardrobe descriptions for upcoming chapters. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back to Hogwarts. The effects of the alcohol had apparently made Draco go completely out of character, for he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest! You know, the place that's forbidden to the students? Which is why it's called the FORBIDDEN Forest? Okay, screw this, I'm just gonna end the chapter here.


	4. Chapter 4

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony s name is ENOBY... I mean her name is ebony, but in any case, its nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent and totally not becoz I rote him dat way! dey nu eechodder b4 even tho this is teh 1st time dey actualy met ok!

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer, since the author couldn't think of anything to write for him, but he stopped the flying car of Gary Stus everywhere, and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, in an attempt to make the readers think I care about someone other than myself.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked in what passes for anger.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (and since his eyes aren't normally red, I'll just say he was wearing color contacts as an excuse) which revealed more depressing sorrow and evilness in this chapter than you'll ever find in the entire story.

And then. . . . . . . . . . suddenly just as I accidentally a verb, Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree, which if it were alive, would be so embarrassed right now. He took off my top and I not only took of his clothes because I wanted the readers to imagine him naked, but I also took of my bra because I wanted the readers to imagine ME naked. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time... which was make the readers believe that this was actually a sex scene.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm even though girls don't usually have them. We started to kiss everywhere and my excessively pale body became all warm. And then...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! And why the hell am I swearing like a sailor for no reason?"

It was. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 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AN HOUR LATER...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

...Dumbledore!


	5. Chapter 5

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur someone who nows dat Im a crappy riter and is trying 2 make sure I get put in my place! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he... uh... had a hedache! Yeah. Thats it. He had a hedache. PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws, which r five moar good revoiws dan I desurve!

Dumbledore made... something... and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us uncharacteristically.

"You Ludacris fools!" he shouted. Then he held up a "Back For The First Time" CD that he found in the car.

"I'm sorry, I don't know how that got there," Draco said.

Then Dumbledore held up a Soulja Boy CD.

"I don't know how THAT got there either," Draco said.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face... which of course must have been a result of the eye infection in chapter 3. Draco comforted me out of pure pity. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry, probably because my being in the story had something to do with it.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice, though the reader has no clue who "he" referred to in this situation, as it could have been any one of the three males in the room.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you replace an exclamation point at the end of this sentence with a question mark?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked in all capital letters, "BECAUSE I'M BEING FORCED TO LOVE HER!"

Everyone was quiet, and this time, it wasn't because Tara had trouble writing dialogue for them. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said after a period was mistakenly placed instead of a comma at this part of the sentence. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms, if you can call them that."

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us... or maybe they were just having a staring contest and wanted to win.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco either asked me gently or condescendingly (I hope it's the former).

"Yeah I guess." I lied, even though it's hard to disguise a fricking INFECTION, if that's probably what he was referring to. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair - and knowing the author, it was probably both with the same brush - and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels that I picked out for the upcoming fashion show next week. When I came out...

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom (probably because he was waiting like forever for me, because you know I spend HOURS in there), and he started to sing "I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte (he knows the words because after listening to me sing the song OVER AND OVER again, he can't get them out of his head). I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there when he was so TOTALLY supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed... then I hugged him and kissed him some more. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room, though I'm pretty sure he went back into his room because he wanted to get away from me.


	6. Chapter 6

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update, or tell u whether I ment to type "shut" or "shit" when I typed "shjt", ubtil u give me the hed of Jon da Baptist... I mean, ubtil u give me goood revows!

The next day I woke up in my ridiculous excuse of a coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end thanks to my donut binge, and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that screamed dominatrix. After that last earring debacle, I put on two pairs of skull earrings instead of the traditional four, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with the purple spray-paint I used when I wrote "DUMBLEDORE IS A PREP" on the walls of the Great Hall. I LOVE vandalism!

In the Great hall, I made people think that I was too ridiculous to be taken seriously as a vampire by eating some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood as if the whole eating cereal with blood instead of milk thing wasn't excessive enough already. Suddenly someone had the misfortune of bumping into me. All the blood - which may include the blood that I used on my Count Chocula cereal, the red blood in my glass, and my own blood - spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted in a rare curse that didn't include the F word. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face, and then he pushed me away, because he didn't like me touching him. Why don't boys like when I touch them? Anyway, he didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like the ones I gave Dra- I mean, the ones Draco has, and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin because I like him when he's not clean-shaven. He had a sexy English accent, and even then, it still won't do the dialogue I write for him justice. He looked exactly like Joel Madden, even though he never looked like Joel Madden to begin with, in case you've already figured out who he is by now. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him, kind of like an erection, only I'm a girl so I didn't get one, you sicko... but then again, I said in an earlier chapter that I got an orgasm so I might as well have had an erection!

"I'm so sorry." he said in a cliched voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned, making people think my own Mary Sue doesn't even know who Harry Frickin' Potter is.

"My name's Harry Potter, although Tara wants me to be called Vampire these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because after the taste of human blood was shoved down my throat, I've eventually gotten used to it," he giggled.

"Well, despite the numerous reasons that would prove otherwise, I still believe I'm a vampire," I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared, causing all the people in the Great Hall to think "Who let that frickin' lion out of its cage?"

We sat down to talk for a while, but since this chapter's about to end and I'm running out of ideas for dialogue, the conversation is left to your imagination. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me. Ooh, I hope it's some Ho-Hos! I love Ho-Hos. I went away with him, because I can't wait to taste the delicious Ho-Hos!


	7. Chapter 7

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 a psychiatrist

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. BUT I WANTED GOOD REVIUWS, U STUPID PREPS! And the god reviuws wur of course from god himself, and he criticized me 4 being a "sinner"... wutever, I still say hes a prep. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! I dont know what "god vons" are, but theyre made of tin, and I WANT dem! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U, EVEN THO U ALREDDY DO A GOOD JOB OF DOING DAT 2 ME! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok, but Ebony sure is! She isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS, which in itself is also not a perfect spelling! n she has problemz shes depressed because some1 like ME created hur 4 godz sake!

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs, though the black nail polish didn't do a good job as it is used primarily for painting nails rather than holding people's hands together. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails - whatever that means, does a red Satanist have to sing on your nails or something? - in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u? No, of course not, it sounds more like a Mary Sue, but the point still standz!). I waved to Vampire, who I am not calling Harry Potter anymore in this story even though at some point I'll brainfart and call him that anyway. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. That couldn't be because I waved to him, could it? I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Or that I was actually going out with a guy. Or that I was actually going out with someone who isn't a member of my family. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room, ignoring Draco's requests for me to let go of his arm, and locked the door. Then...

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. I said ENTHUSIASTICALLY, Draco! Ah, that's better. He felt me up before I took of my top, which is what I tend to do whenever guys are around. Then I took off my black leather bra, and after he once again reeled at the sight of my sagging hooters, he took off his pants, or rather I took them off for him. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine (because I have a boy's thingy too, apparently) and we HAD SEX IN CAPITAL LETTERS. (c is dat stupid? ...What do you mean "yes"?)

"Oh, Maria! Oh, Maria! ...I mean, oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while forcing Draco to give me my Orgasm O' The Day when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm even though I have made him go naked about ten times before and thus would have a clear understanding of where all the tattoos on his body would be by now. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words... THUG LIFE!

And then I saw another tattoo with the words, or rather A word... Vampire!

I was so angry.

"Oh my god! They killed Kenny! You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed in anger, unable to understand why something that angers me would cause such angry anger angrily. ANGER!

"No! No! Nanette! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. Well, actually, I didn't know anything at all, but you know what I mean.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

"I have AUTODIN Interface Devices?" Draco asked.

I put on my clothes, which I love so much that I more likely give drawn-out descriptions to them than to people, and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but since he doesn't have any clothing on him, which I love to write about, I was too mad to care. I stomped out, even though I already stomped out before, and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people on how to avoid being written completely out of character in fan fiction.

"YOU'LL STILL BE KNOWN AS VAMPIRE POTTER, MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u know that it meenz u floss ur rear end, and thats sick even 4 me!

Everyone in the class unsurprisingly stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked thus fulfilling one of my sick fantasies about him, and started begging me to take him back, as well as to put his school uniform back on him this instant.

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend, who will now be known as B'loody Mary Smith, smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair (why it was the length of human excrement, I have no clue) and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on, like every other character in this fanfic. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on, which is of course excessive even for a vampire. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents may or may not be vampires and one of them may not be a witch but Tara wrote her mother out - I mean, Voldemort killed her mother, and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about not having a major role in this story. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed (though she has a long way to go before she is as mentally disturbed as yours truly). It also turns out her real last name is now Smith and not Granger so that the author can mess with the Harry Potter purists. (And she has apparently converted to Satanism, and is apparently in Slytherin now, not Griffindoor. And she isn't in Gryffindor either.)

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily with an exclamation point instead of a question mark, but since he is not me, I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped, mainly because I was talking to Snape as if he was Vampire even though the actual Vampire was in the room.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me... in other words I don't know why I was so mad at myself. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony, and we both like to screw with every character in the Harry Potter universe) for a while but then he broke my nonexistent heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker who didn't do anything to deserve that slanderous label. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems thanks to the author still having no clue how the main character of the HARRY POTTER franchise should be written, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a person with at least one brain cell... I mean, a prep.)

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore, at least not unless Tara is in the mood for more yaoi!" said Vampire.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you fucking fuckfuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest (which of course, is STILL off limits to the students) where I had lost my virility to Draco (even though virility, which is the ability to copulate, is something that only males have) and then I started to bust into tears, even though once again I have used the wrong word for something.


	9. Chapter 9

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie, and I dntn watch da movie eithur ok, so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! So yeah, it iz totally my folt. and da reson snap dosent like harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist, which is a perfect excuse to get out of the fact that not only do I hav NO clu why snap dosent like harry, but I also am dumb enuff 2 bring both christianity and satanism in2 dis! And for 1 moar comment dat has nuffing 2 do wif all uv dis, MCR ROX!

I was so mad and sad, and glad and bad and rad and dad and pad and lad and chad and nad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me, though I guess my readers are happy now that Draco gained several brain cells with that maneuver. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco - and might I add, we did it "keenly".

Then all of a suddenly, a horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick even though he can fly perfectly without one! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he didn't have a nose. Oh, and he had no nose. It was... Vold- WHAT, you knew it was Voldemort already? Did the comment about having no nose like Voldemort in the movie give it away? You preps are no fun. Also, the guy totally doesn't have a nose.

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!", and since the correct incantation is "Imperio!", I had my mind all confused, but then, it's not like anyone could tell the difference.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. But since that is the name of Hermione's cat, nothing happened. So Voldemort fell of his broom (Translation: I PUSHED him off) and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist... what am I saying? I don't feel bad for ANYONE!

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter like this Ye Olde Butchered Englishe hath killed my character!"

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like someone being taken to a plastic surgeon and completely redone so that he now looks like Joel Madden instead. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up, and also, how long can I keep the two of them out of their school uniforms?

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun, though there would probably no reason for a wizard to use a muggle weapon anyway. "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not use a muggle weapon to kill someone who probably won't even die now that he's been turned into a vampire, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco, even though he might as well be as undead as Vampire is now!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a not-so-surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face, the same look that all the people who aren't me have on their faces whenever I'm around. "I hath telekinesis, though it hath nothing to do with how I knew that." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. "...Wait, no, thou won't know what will happen to Draco even if thou DOTH kill Vampire. Oh well." Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick that he still didn't need, by the way. Oh, and do you know that he does not have a nose?

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. And even if I'm happy, I don't know what to do anyway, so it would really be no different from any other scenario. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said, sounding eerily cheery. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad, mostly because the author forced him to wear white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit, even though I didn't tell you a lame pun that time) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. ...Wait, what? What the heck kind of word did I use that time? My sentences really don't make any sense, do they?

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me to fulfill my yaoi fantasies." I expelled. And after I expelled, Draco held his nose. Which, by the way, Voldemort does not have.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out which is totally not depressing for me and is totally for no reason whatsoever!


	10. Chapter 10

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story or if u donot lik that my last statement makes me sound like a homophobe, den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle after al (tho hermione shur iz) n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses even tho thatz not the real reason why there evil, and that last statement aparently makes dem sound like dey are good at picking up houses and moving them around all the time which like everything else in dis story makes no sense ok!

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day, though not as much as I was of Voldemort. I was even upset obviously deleted a pronoun from this sentence and went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Generic Emo Bandname 666. Since I want to be the center of everything, I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. Whether I actually play it well is a different story. People say that we sound like a cross between nails on a chalkboard, dying cats, and Paris Hilton. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, and Ron (although I'ma call him Diabolo just to once again mess with the Harry Potter purists. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it because I said so.) and Hargrid, though why an adult teacher is in a band composed mainly of teenage students, I have no clue. Only today Draco and Vampire didn't want to be involved in this nightmare of a fanfic so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. And like with the guitar thing, we don't write songs that well either. Anyway, I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire and slitting his wrists is so out of character for anyone in the Harry Potter series, and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that even though I've written that word at least once in the story so far, and I'm using that as an excuse for not knowing how to spell the word "crucifix") or a steak, though I don't know how meat is supposed to kill vampires, maybe he dies if he eats too much of it? And maybe there was ONE other way to kill a vampire but I don't know what it is, it involves either light that's from some planet that isn't the moon or some type of water that's holy or something, I forget) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like any of the movies I told him to watch, like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt just to show the readers that I haven't forgotten to include clothing descriptions in my story. You might think I'm a slut... and you'd be right!

We were singing a cover of "Helena" and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears (but not until after everyone else listening to the song had done that).

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice, which meant that her voice was apparently well-planned.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily, even though she and everyone else knew what the fuck I think. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry even though he really told me to kill Vampire, even though they're the same person, apparently! But I don't want to kill him, because, I have some good plans to write him completely out of character in later chapters, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Tara, I mean Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears, and finally got the word right this time.  
>Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.<p>

"Why didn't you fucking use a paragraph break this time!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle emo wannabe goth prep-hating homophobic fatass bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) (yes)

I started to cry and cry, and cry and cry some more, and then cry and cry, and cry and cry and cry again. Draco started to cry and cry and cry and cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying and crying and crying and crying and crying and crying and crying.

We practiced for one more hour, ignoring the complaints from the other people in Hogwarts. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache... though I wonder if when someone's eyes are on fire, that person might get headaches or not.

"What have you done! And why the heck is Hagrid a band member!" He started to cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering which is a rare occurence in this fanfic, and dis time he was relly upset n u will c y, o k? i m lol 2 c u, omfg) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists. But Ebony Draco, even though he shares his name with at least two people here, was never important to this story, and probably committed suicide because he was sick and tired of some of the shenanigans that have been going on in this building by several of the students and one teacher."


	11. Chapter 11

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! dont u remembr da saying "stop drop and roll"? Douse yorself wif water if your hot! c if dis chaptr is sris!1111 it delz wit rly srupid issus! sp c 4 urself if itz zerious brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me, and ima reward her by doing a worse job on dis chapter dan wif da other 10!

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied that Tara is still misspelling words! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off, though I could've said it to just about anyone, and I ran to my room crying and crying and crying and crying and crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting, and maybe swearing in case he had a headache again, but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. Though he'd look like an angel compared to when I go into HIS room without permission!

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists, thus causing everyone around me to think, "this girl really needs to get some medical help PRONTO". They got all over my clothes, and now when I describe them, I'm probably going to flesh out their descriptions even more to include the blood thing, so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume for no reason. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. But after I found out that I had confused the steak (S-T-E-A-K) for the ACTUAL item that is used to kill a vampire, which is a stake (S-T-A-K-E), I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. Which meant that I had even more sand in my vagina than I normally do, thank you, Eric Cartman! I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and since I somehow didn't learn from how damaging to my ears four pairs of earrings would be, I put on SIX pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed... Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! Now the whole world would know how horrible a person I really am! And Loopin was masticating to it! Though WHY he was eating, as well as WHAT he was eating, I have no idea! They were sitting on their broomsticks, which of course no one in the Harry Potter universe would ever need.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU OOC OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason, the famous organist from the University of Michigan, on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb, which guys of course do not have. And since those are not the right words, nothing happened. I took my gun when I'M A FRICKING WITCH AND I COULD'VE USED A WAND and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times (a number I made up because I don't know how many times I actually shot them) and they both started screaming and the camera broke, though I don't know whether or not those two things are connected. Suddenly, Dumblydore (my pet name for him) ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at the horrible perverts that Tara turned Snape and Lupin into and then he waved his wand and suddenly...

Hargrid ran outside nonsensically on his broom and said everyone we need to talk without quotation marks or commas.

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student... for this story, at least!"

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT FOR NOW..." Hargirid paused angrily and with an extra I to go with the extra R. "BUT I AM ALSO NOW A SATANIST!"

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him, but then again, that passes for normal in this story. "There must be other factors."

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly, and I may as well be telling the truth given the lack of development these characters have.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly, although somehow that poor elephant should not have been involved. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there! Yeah, I'm as confused as you are."

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood... in other words, a lot less stupid.

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook, a misspelling which might as well be a euphemism for something really dirty.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him... or ANYONE for that matter because I'm usually in my own little world and don't usually hear much of anything from anyone else. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I still won't get over my vampire complex.

"BECAUSE... BECAUSE..." Hargid said without the extra R and I and he paused in the air dramitaclly, and after he fell down when there was nothing beneath him, he waved his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent ("I'll take you to the Hot Topic shop... I'll let you bite a black lollipop...")

"Because you believe you're goffic too?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan... in other words, Tara.

"BECAUSE I'M BEING FORCED TO LOVE HER!"


	12. Chapter 12

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: stop f,aing ok, whatever dat is, hargrid, in addition 2 being a student when he shud b a teachur, is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 worship dem... I mean I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian wuz it becuz i nevur told u y snap was aparently kristian 2 begin wif? plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric even tho you havent seem him in da story be4 now ok!

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case I did anything to him... I mean, in case anything happened to him. Yeah, that's it. Anything happened to him which DIDN'T involve either me or my dumbass author. Anything that anyone could have done to anyone else, that didn't involve me whatsoever. Anyway, he told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together... although the readers wish that it would happen to just me.

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but after I had problems with the shift key, I realized it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! WTF! BRB! ROTFLMAO! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then... his eyes rolled up! (AN: do eyes do that?) You could only see his red whites, or his white reds, or whatever.

I stopped. "How did u know?"

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted. "And I'm not just saying that because I only found that out by looking it up on Wikipedia!"

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram just like you changed Ron's name into Diabolo, and I always cover it up with foundation, because people with vampire complexes in this fanfic always use a lot of foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt, and hopefully Tara doesn't know about the locket scar or the Nagini's bite scar or the cut on my forearm! Anyway, save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco... Volfemort has him bondage! You know, S&M, black leather, whips, stretching racks, that kind of thing! I don't know if Voldemort with a D, however, is going to do anything like that to me, but knowing this fanfic, he might as well!"

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists for about the thousandth time in this fanfic. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's, which is apparently a mango restaurant and not at all like St. Mungo's Hospital For Magical Maladies and Injuries, cause they were apparently pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz that I want all to myself so I can get me some hot three-way lesbo action. Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera... pee-yeew! What the heck was he EATING? And he confiscated the video camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them, because that's my answer to everything.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses, though he could have just gotten on top of the bed instead. Though this way is MUCH better!

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. NOT serious and obviously misspelled and kind of abbreviated voice, giving me the rose.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway though I hypocritically use it now and then, like in my coffin for instance, and I don't like fucked up preps like you or anyone who isn't me." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik, though somehow he is in my band Generic Emo Bandname 666 for no reason.

"No Enoby." Hargrid says in present tense. "Those are not roses."

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses that I do not actually hate though I try in a half-assed attempt to make people think I hate them.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied in his sentence, apparently." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin though you just want to view it for yourself." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong? What do u mean, it still iz?) to it he added without quotation marks.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly, which is basically angry, but acting even more like a little girl than normal.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses, though they still pretty much look like them." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty and proper sentences with quotation marks and correct usage of capital and lowercase letters, that's all you haD TO SAY! .

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely. "No wait, that's not an MCR song, those are song lyrics. Oh well, song titles and song lyrics by MCR can still make great titles for bad fanfic and/or chapters."

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes, which are spelled with an E in the most pretentious spelling ever." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio (4 all u coll goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a group of random gibberish words and letters! Specially for raven I love you girl, because only you would tolerate something like that!)imo noto okayo io promiseo addingo Oo ato theo endo ofo wordso ino ao sentenceo makeso ito eveno soundo moreo pretentiouso!"

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. And the roses are pink. Yet somehow pink roses can turn into black flame apparently, with no explanation given. Now I knew he wasn't a prep, because in my world, people who are obsessed with the color black are not preps.

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"

"You tell me, ever since you turned him into THAT!"

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing (mostly because of the TONS of eyeliner I put on earlier in the fic).

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame, which is watching us watching it watching us while they are watching us watching the flame watching us watching them watching us watching it. "2 c wht iz n da flmes (HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT, THOUGH THAT HAS SCENE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH REVIEWERS) u mst find urslf 1st, tho these condensed words are making it confusing to do so, k?"

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN, THOUGH PROBABLY NOT REALLY!" Hargrid yelled. duMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something that had a lot of four-letter words in it.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed, and under the covers. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree! See, when the name is written that way, it is a more feminine insult!"

Blah blah black leather minidress blah blah ripped on the ends blah blah lace. Blah blah corset blah blah black fishnets blah blah black high-heeled boots blah blah Billie Joe Armstrong. Blah blah hair blah blah Samara blah blah The Ring (blah blah prep blah blah fuk off!) blah black blood-red lipstick blah blah black eyeliner blah blah black lip gloss.

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said trying to sound like a weeaboo. "Fangs (geddit, it's still funny if I say it is) you do too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists, even though I already slit my wrists earlier in the chapter, and I sucked all the blood just because I'm a sick weirdo. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time, though they could still spy on me and could simply tell it's just me wearing shades. I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures, which apparently is not a class and actually a set of hair. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Ginny before Tara forced him to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff, which could very well be the only correct use of the term if it describes a person instead of one of the four Houses.

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually stilted way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red contact-lens-covered eyes so much like Dracos. Then... we jumped on each other and started screwing each other in Ikea Erotica.

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle, my name for her even though she doesn't wear goggles or anything, who was watching us and so was everyone else on fanfiction .net, who have now discovered a new Internet meme.

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. I'm supposed to be the only one doing all the screwing in THIS fanfic!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then... his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"And I'm not just saying that because I only found that out by looking it up on Wikipedia!"

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle.

(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT)

Blah blah black leather minidress blah blah ripped on the ends blah blah lace.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

"Anyway, I had a vision of what was happening to Draco... Volfemort has him bondage!"

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS U KNOW I CANT WRITE DAT WELL AND EVERYONE WILL GIVE ME MORE FLAMES, MAKING ME EVEN MORE DEPRESSED!11111111

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY CANDLEJACK SWEATER I


	13. Chapter 13

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen - i really enjoyed tasting ur vomit! im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! Plus it covurs up the stab marks I made on the wall on my bedroom - tho Ill probably make som more! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG... UR MAKING ME ADD RANDOM EXCESSIVE GS TO RANDGOM WORGDS AND IN THE WRGONG PLAGCES!

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared... but at least I got some exercise.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

"Why are you calling me by both my real name and a common misspelling you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

"Wait... Volsemort? With an S? Is THAT what you're calling him now?"

He laughed in an uncharacteristically evil voice, which might tip off the readers that something is definitely wrong here... but then again something is always definitely wrong here no matter what chapter you read.

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco and commit one of the rare acts of heroism in this story!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco... and neither does Tara. Not after how much he misbehaved in school, though he does get higher marks than YOU Ebony, and by the way, the only test you ever passed is the Mary Sue Litmus Test." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never was interested in Ho Yay that much anyway." then he walked away. Vampire started crying and crying and crying and crying and crying. "My forced same-sex life partner!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot! When theyre not over the top like these are right now.)

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. Since someone does this in virtually every chapter, he started to cry tears of blood. Then he had something that I will never get - a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see, though who am I kidding, of course you won't," he said. He took out his wand and did a spell that the author forgot the name of. Then... suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair, because people in this fanfic tend to be teleported from one place to another for no explanation!

We ran in with our wands out (which could imply that we had our pants open) just as we heard a croon voice sing, because that's what the word "croon" SHOULD mean. "Allah Kedavra!"

It was... Osama bin Laden!

...Nah, just kidding, it was Voldemort. What did you expect?


	14. Chapter 14

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists, becuz I slit muh rists on purpuse becuz teh doctors r so hot! Dey make me feel gud, specially wen they stick a needle in my ass! Yep, Im goin there moar often, so Ima pullin out mah razor bladez! PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! So rite how u think god wud write and send me a revoiw as Him!

WARNING: SUM... NO, WAIT... ALL OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. (AND "EXCRETION" MAY BE THE RIGHT WORD IN THIS SCENARIO.)

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there, obviously, because we just saw another cheap knockoff whose name differed by only one letter. The fat guy who killed Cedric, who I don't know is really Peter Pettigrew, was also there. Draco was there crying tears of blood, and if you're playing the My Immortal drinking game, you'd probably be taking a sip whenever you see someone crying tears of blood right now. Snaketail, who exists only in fanfiction and could be a cheap knockoff of Wormtail, was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting his eyes with the gun, because he told us to rid him of his sight... villains say such stupid things in this fanfiction, don't they? he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes which Tara totally did not just give him. "Ebony-I-love-you-wil-u-have-sex-with-me-and-no-spaces-between-words." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile tho pedofiles have been dis age or younger ok)

"Huh?" I asked.

"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me, and with spaces between the words this time?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely, which is basically how I normally laugh. "What the fuck? You torture my bf like I tortured the word "boyfriend", and then you expect me to fuck you, which is what I'm going to do to you anyway? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard, just like every fucking character in this fucking fanfiction!" I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart, because I was so used to cutting my wrists that mutilating someone else seemed to come naturally for me. Blood pored out of it like a fountain (though fountains are more likely to pour rather than study over something carefully).

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed with thirteen O's. He started screaming, even though he already screamed, and running around. Then he fell down and died, which is what most people do whenever I'm around them. I brust into tears sadly, crying that Tara has once again misspelled a word.

"Snaketail what are thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then... he started coming! We could see a big crotch stain on his robe... and we could hear his high heels clacking to us. So, apparently he's a tranny now. So we got on our broomsticks, because the author really likes putting people on them, and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying, because the author had done nothing to flesh out this sequence.

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could satisfy Tara's sick fantasy. He had a sex-pack (geddit, cuz he's so sexah and it should be SIX-pack and I said SEX-pack! laugh! LAUGH, DAMMIT!) and a really huge you-know-what (IQ) and everything.

"Its so unfair!" I yielded, but then again, I always yield to something. "Why can't I just be pretty like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, but even though she's now an emo with a vampire complex, she's still prettier than I am."

"Why would you wanna be pretty? I don't hate the preps anyway, though Tara is probably writing me as someone who DOES hate them. They are not such fucking sluts." answered Draco.

"Yeah but everyone hates me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's only in love with me because Tara confused him with a student. Vampire hates me and now Snaketail is in love with me, and he's a villain! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less ugly?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told me that ebony, however, is) "I suck at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away, because like the stereotypical emo I am, I'm too depressed to handle most of my personal problems so I run off like a coward.


	15. Chapter 15

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry time sum1 flams me im gonna slit muh ristsz! I mean i no i slit muh ristsz on a daly basis, but im just sayin. fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein, u rok and i hope sumthing duzznt happen to end owr frendship like u decidin to stup hlpein me ovur some stoopid postur or somefing! Becuz that wud b childish!

"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco repeating my first name as if it was my last. "No, please, come back!"

But I was too mad. Then again, I'm always mad, but it goes without saying.

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire so Tara can masticate to it!" I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key in keeping with the emo trend of having black and red as common colors. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it, as if my obsession with him wasn't over-the-top already. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Tara's twisted renditions of Draco and Harry Potter. I started to cry and weep, and gush out tears, and cry waterfalls, and sob and break down, and many other synonyms for "cry" out there. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists, just like I start off every morning. I drank the blood all depressed, but at least it satisfied my hemophilia. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it wass time to go to Biology class, which Hogwarts doesn't teach.

Despite the fact that my black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters was ripped from my flab, I put it on anyway, along with a spiky belt. Under that I put on black fishnets (also ripped) and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters... which might also be ripped. I put my ebony black hair out just in case there was anyone out there who had a hair fetish. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual, which is a great way to gain attention! I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. But the thing is, I did this in the Herbology class. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco just to give the readers another WTF moment!

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fanfiction .net readers and DeviantArtists fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in your own little world. Before I met you I never wanted to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you to hopefully stop YOU from doing it. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I fucking love you!." Then... he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we saw like five My Immortal ripoffs online that had that song name as the title, misspelled, of course) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy and orgasmy and dreamy and hot and manly and muscular and awesome and kawaii and hunky and emo and oh-my-gosh-I-can't-believe-that-voice-actually-came-out-of-his-mouth-good like a cross between Gerard Way, Joel Madden, Chester... uh, the Cheetah?, Pierre... uh, South Dakota?, and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. siriously, don't u DARE fink dat. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr! and i no u wur gonna do dat anyway, and if u r planning 2 get da fuk out od hr, den come back hr!) .

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers in a Pavlovian response (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now, which would make it a bit more difficult to raise them) at them. "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch tho that duzznt stop me from kissing Draco just like she wud) and CMM in a Cinderella Story... although why I'm comparing Draco to someone OTHER than Gerard Way is a bit weird. Then we went away holding hands (they were entwined, remember?). Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how funny it is that my fingers were tangled 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then, because Tara didn't think the GC concert in Hogsmeade was enough. We looked at each other all... not REALLY shocked, and then we went 2gether (the fingers, remember?)


	16. Chapter 16

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! proov 2 me ur nut da 1-dimensional stereotipe I see uf prepz as always werring pink, listening 2 britney speers and... uh... werring pink! Becuz I alwayz c da wurld in blak n wite! raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet, n give me my swetter bak 2! give me my swetter bak or ill play mi gitar! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! now I no how vegeta3986 feels wifout masakoX working on narootoe abriged wif him! BTW fangz 2 britney5655, which may or may not b da britney I call a prep in my fic, 4 techin muh japnese! im a wiiabuu! yaaay!

We ran happily to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had played only because Tara wanted them to play there. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing "Helena", another song Tara masticates to. I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da naked fanart of him Tara found on the Interwebs. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see myself getting an erec- I mean, I could totally see HIM getting an erection, but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother... that is unless he looks down there. I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets, because sometimes I feel like my clothes are my only true friends. Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants - only $39.95 at Hot Topic... buy them today! Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena, even though Helena isn't the kind of song that people normally mosh to. We frenched... then we spanished, englished, germaned, and italianed. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive, because we are definitely over-the-top cartoon characters. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't the extremely gorgeous emo band that Tara... as well as I... jerk off to! It was.,... Volsemort and da Death Dealers! ...Which, by the way, would make a totally awesome band name.

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily, not realizing that FUCKING VOLDEMORT was on the stage. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR, or someone pretending to be them, n u no how much I lik tem"

"What cause we... you know..." he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what... in other words, this piece of trash Tara is writing.

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an unoriginal copypasta.

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT, and it must be important, since it's in capital letters and everything."

"Helloooo? Evil villain over here!" Voldemort called out while on stage.

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or any of the millions of people that are actually normal or what now?"

"NO." he muttered loudly. "At least, not after how Tara's written me anyway."

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily, not realizing that I had asked that question before.

"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me in textspeak!" He fell down to his knees, and after he got himself up, he started singing "Da World Is Black" by GC to me, because if there's one thing the author knows right, it's whether an emo song is sung by GC, MCR, or someone else.

I was flattened cause that's not even a single, much less an emo song that normal people would remember, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me... even though Tara probably wouldn't even remember one!

"Um, hello?" said Voldemort on the stage. "Doesn't anybody realize I'm still here?"

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while (if u call at least two hours a while) and I went up 2 my room.

Foxylene Siouxsie Angel du Dehors... I mean B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i chan chan neko desu desu! datz menz 'how do u do' in japanese. no wait... i dunno what it means, but i do know it has da wurd 'shit' in it! Desu!). "BTW Willow that fucking poser got written out, I mean, expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math even tho Hogwarts dosent teach it." (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! HOW DARE U STEEL MY SWEATER AND TRY TO MAKE EVERY1 THINK IM A SUCKY RITER EVEN THO I ACTUALLY AM A SUCKY RITER! FUK U! DESU.)

"It serves that fuking swetter-stealing former self-insert bich right." I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed, because a lot of us sure are falling down lately. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas (because the German version of The Nightmare Before Christmas is apparently more goffik than the original). "Maybe Rav- I mean, maybe WILLOW will die too." I said. (FUK U RAVEN! FUK U U FUKKING SWETTER WHORE!)

"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly, and nonsenscly. "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her in a half-assed way to get her out of the story, and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak now apparently. (FUCK U RAVEN! I HOPE LOOPIN FUCKS YOU LIKE YOU FUCKED ME!)

"Yamaha... I mean, Kawai." I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie, and after Draco "muttered loudly" earlier in the chapter, we were wondering if Tara even knows which volume setting to use for conversations anymore.

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr, and since I like MCR, Im sure they will be there and not Voldemort in a crappy disguise or something like at the beginning of this chapter." I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA... though I'd probably look weird wearing an electrical heating element."

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ALTERnatING beTWEEn caPITal aND lowErcASE leTTERs. "Omfg totally lets go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde so I can totally buy the Hot Topic t-shirts and Hot Topic body jewelry and Hot Topic shoes and Hot Topic music CDs and even buy my groceries!

"No." My head snaped up, and somehow I spell Snape's name here, but get his name wrong like virtually everywhere else.

'WHAT?" my head spuin, probably like that gurl from the Exorcist. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP, which is my default term for everyone who isn't me?"

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "Hot topic doesn't even EXIST in England... or Scotland, or wherever this fic takes place. Besides I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all."

"Hu told u about them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire (don't even SAY that nam to me! ...What? I said Vampire? And NOT Raven? Oh. My bad! BTW, FUCK U RAVEN!). Or me.

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Not Hu, though he is the president of China. Let me just call our broms, which apparently are brake pedals in Swedish."

"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly, since the fact that it's in capital letters means Tara is still confused about volume control.

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "It had a crappy drawing of GC on stage hastily scribbled on it. Come on let's go."

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade in crappy Harry Potter fanfiction. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE THOUGH THERE MAY BE SOMEONE HOTTER THAN HIM BY THE END and he gave me a few dresses (NOW IF ONLY YOU WOULD GIVE ME MY SWETTER, BITCH!). "We only have these for da real goffs, though I suppose you emos will have to do."

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked.

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! You know, wanting to be goff by buying clothing only from Hot Topic, wearing foundation, eating Count Chocula with blood on it, and slitting their wrists 24/7. Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch after they had their names changed so that they start with lowercase letters now." He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera, which may or may not be important to the plot, if you can call it that."

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN, AND MASTICATE TO IT AGAIN!" I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle, which surprisingly IS spelled correctly, coming out, and very low-cut with a huge slit (it didn't have that slit before I put it on, though).

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said. "And it's not just because you break it, you bought it!"

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary. "On ME, of course. On YOU, however, it's a different story."

"You know what I am gona be a shallow one-dimensional weak-minded salesperson and just give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey, I'm even gonna remove the letter O at the beginning! Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight even though you were probably there at the beginning of the chapter?" he asked.

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia angelina contessa luisa francesca banana fana fo fresca TARA and not that SWEATER-STEALING BITCH raven way what's yours?" (FUCK YOU, RAVEN! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!)

"Tom Rid." He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "I'm definitely not an incarnation of Voldemort, by the way. Maybe I'll see you there tonight."

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv and probably Voldemort expy!" I yelled angrily, but before he could be me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried that Tara was probably not writing him enough into this story. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW! And by the way, why do you now have a D in your first name?"

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Raven, if you're reading this... you don't need to believe a single word Tara says!_**


	17. Chapter 17

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! but then again, u wur probably not gonna red it anyway! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma nonexistent hompage. if ur not (that is, u got all zeros) den u rok. if u r den FOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! I like pressing the F key, dont I? pz willo isn't rely a prep, tho I still call her dat becuz she iznt me. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr! And ur tampons. And ur pregnancy test. And ur textbuks. And ur cell fone. And ur notebuks. And ur 3ds. And everything else I stole frum ur house when I was pissed of that u tuk my swetter, wich btw i still want bak.

Tom Riddle, unlike most shopkeepers you see in shopping malls, gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual, which is a polite term for "gay".) Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "I'm not getting a crotch stain on my new outfit, in case I want to describe it in full detail this chapter! Fuck off you fjucking bastard." Well anyway Willow came. And after Willow had to change her outfit, Hargird went away angrily.

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said, still in weeaboo mode.

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything and she really didn't mean to steal my sweater last time and I'm just buttering her up because I really really REALLY want her to help me continue working on this fanfic, please, pretty please, pretty pretty please with sugar on top! The short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a black blood-red-miniskirt would look really nice on you, along with the leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz! Seriously, Raven, you have a really nice body wif big bobs and everything! You are thin enouff 2 be anorexic! And don't worry, please don't think of it as an insult, I'm complimenting you, see?

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco that u went to last chapter?" she asked.

"Yah." I said happily.

"I'm gong with Diabolo, just because he hasn't appeared in this story quite often enough." she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came... and then they had to change their clothes too. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. Um, I don't know what that means either, does it mean we act like we're 2 years old or something? Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it (probably because the 665 before it were sold out). He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson, though in this fanfic, it would probably mean more makeup than THAT. Draco was wearing black leather pants, making him a literal Draco in Leather Pants (geddit?), a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans, a type of shoe you didn't even know about before now, he got from da Warped tower, which used to be a tour, before it became as warped as everything else in this story. B'loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola... oh, sorry, I was just thinking that there's a sale on some Dracola at B'loody Mart and I'd really like to buy some... it'll be a great drink to go with my Count Chocula! Anyway Dracola used to be called Navel (and before that he used to be called Neville) but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires, like every other Harry Potter canon character that becomes unlucky enough to find their way into this fanfic. They dyed in a car crash (they are particularly fond of Dark Henna Red themselves). Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth, because that's what everyone in this fanfic does when they lose their parents, apparently. Like a lot of characters who haven't been introduced in the story yet, he was in Slitherin now. He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it to satisfy Tara's strange taste in costume choices. We kall him Dracula now... when we don't call him Dracola. Well anyway we all went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik... okay, it's not da best pun but LAUGH DAMMIT!) that his dad Lucian gave him, though his real father's name is Frank and Lucian is the name of a student. We did pot, coke and crak (Tara's three favorite food groups). Draco and I made out, which means it's pretty much a normal day in this story. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps, though not as much as the readers made fun of us. We soon got there... after I realized how long this paragraph actually is, I gapsed.

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix of him that Tara found on 4chan. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes, which may or may not be like limpid tears. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice, though I'm pretty sure his ethnicity is American. We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz that people don't normally mosh to. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask, and you've already seen this part before, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda. It was... Vlodemort and da Death Deelers! Which, by the way, would still be an awesome band name.

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to flesh out my story in the last chapter. Thou have failed. And now... I shall kill thou and Draco, though it'll probably end up with the two of you coming back to life anyway!"

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife, which I would assume he would use to slit his wrists because just about everyone in the fanfic so far may have done that at some point.

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick, and I wish I had gotten my flu shot last month! He had lung black hair (I assume the lungs were black from smoking too much), and a looong black bread, which is what happens when you leave it in the toaster too long. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back, and actually spelled correctly! He shotted a spel that Tara's doesn't know the name of and Vlodemort ran away like a wussy. It was... DUMBLYDORE!

Yep, this is the only time "It was... Dumblydore!" ever appears in the whole story.


	18. Chapter 18

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! but then again, thats my excuse for lashing out against ppl who r bettur than me! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. tho I may still call u dat anyway. fangz for muh sewter! I think ill drink some dracola and stretch it out - i liek teh ripped look! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik, tho u didnt c much of dat in da last chaptur - so der!

I woke up the next day in my coffin, because I still don't know what the very concept of a "bed" is. I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow (a type of street marking, apparently), blood-bed lipstick (and whenever I DO sleep in a bed, there's always blood), and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. Of course, I want everyone to see my belly anyway! I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it. Yep, I've turned into a Persian whore.

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit? It's supposed to be SCHOOL, but I said SKULL koz im goffik n I like deth! WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU LAUGHING?) Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red (presumably for sweeping all the stuff that was on each bed I sleep in). There was lace all over it (so THAT'S what happened to the lace from my last dress). Draco had a black MCR boom (and MCR was probably wondering what happened to a piece of their sound equipment.) We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song. Seriously, YOU might know what it is, because I sure as hell don't.

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall (where people are grating cheese now, apparently). There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. Apparently, I can wear TWO pairs of pants, and I didn't realize that there were some pink pants inside my black ones! And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere (I wonder if some of those pastors worshipped at the church of St. Mango's?), like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys, even though the latter is the only one that counts as an actual band.

"WTF!" I shouted going to sit next to B'loody Mary and Willow. B'loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt (another cheap Good Charlotte knockoff), black fishnets and black pointy boots. Hello, dominatrix! Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets. Wow, I should totally be on the Fashion Channel one day! Vampire, Dracula and Draco came. Apparently, B'loody Mary's and Willow's outfits can do that to men. We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong, because my small mind can only store the names of quite a few male celebrities. The boys joined in cause they were bi, like just about everyone else in this story.

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday, meaning that Vlodemort is eventually going to end up with such a huge ass! Or maybe one that hasn't been wiped in a while. Anyway, he had normal tan skin but he was wearing Vampire Complex Brand White Foundation (TM) and he had died his hare black. I feel sorry for that poor rabbit, being forced to try on all that black paint.

"...DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort! But yeah, he's doing a good job of scaring Vlodemort away too."

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Well, actually Tara did, but she sucks, so I've decided to take the credit. Whjat do u fink about it?"

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor - the poor man's Gryffindor - started to cheer. Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted (that is, fistfucked), and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1. But then again, we're posers as well, so that's pretty much hypocritical of us.

"BTW you can call me Albert, though my first name is really Albus." HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our How To Use The Shift Key Properly classes.

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily (at me, of course) as we we to Transfomation Of A Verb Into A Repeated Pronoun. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard, and hopefully I'll get to make a Frank Iero pun!), but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis, which doesn't like happen until you're like 30 or 40 but might as well happen since all the stuff we're doing is probably shortening our life expectancies!" Willow shouted.

I was so fucking angry. But I was holding hands with Draco, so I couldn't have been THAT angry.


	19. Chapter 19

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

Chapter 19. im nut ok i promise (a rather appropriate title)

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous that u dont get as much hate mail as i do ok!11 frum noq in im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 ...This is like dealing cards, right? Will ur men like that? BTW evonyd a poorblod, a long-lost relative of Spongebob, so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11 before dat, I could never type AND slash my wrists at the same time!

All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore... our name for him after we saw those muscly arms of his... he must work out at the gym a lot. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too - da MCR concert, or AN MCR concert at least, it's like a lot of chapters in this fic have them. It had been postphoned (that is, delayed via telephone), so we could all go.

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes... no, wait, cutting classes actually makes me HAPPY, because I never want to attend them! Draco was being all secretive, because Tara was having a hard time trying to develop his character.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot... not that there are actually any in this story). Maybe if he's hot he should take his shirt off... I like when he's shirtless.

"Since Tara's typing is getting worse, no one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his black hare, which is apparently the same hare that Dumblydore had, went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. And if that rabbit keeps doing that, then Draco is so getting an eye infection. He was wearing black baggy paints, because he didn't see the WET PAINT sign in the Great Hall, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit? instead of tie, I wrote DIE, koz im goffik! LAUGH! LAUGH, YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH, LAUGH!) I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing, because I'm starring in a new bondage video. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik, even tho I'm not telling u my e-mail address and you can just as easily Google Image "Amy Lee" and "Going Under" to look for it.)

"Accuse me? What about me! I demand you accuse me of everything I've been guilty of!" I growled.

"Buy-but-but... buttered popcorn! Buy some buttered popcorn at the cafeteria today!" he grunted.

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned.

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like, even though it's exactly what it's fucking looked like throughout this story!" he shouted.

But it was to late. I knew what I herd, and I herd u liek mudkipz. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Yep, that's right, you're da crunk king, beeyotch! Draco banged on the door. So apparently he's violating inanimate objects too. I whipped and whepped while practicing for my new bondage video as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois Who Take A Dump (raven that is soo our video! We're possibly the only two people obsessed with poop who actually want to watch it!). I TOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot, because you can only enjoy fics like this when you're high.

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated, just as I had made up a new word.

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room... with a taser in your hand?"

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco, so I could find a hot guy to pour some oil on in my bondage video, but it was Dumblydore. I'm not putting any oil on THIS guy's manboobs.

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse, the same kind I have. "What are u wearing to the concert?"

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped. "Was it because I keep forcing MCR down everyone's throats who happened to be in earshot?"

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx and crazy emos and people with vampire complexes and basically just crazy people in general were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u." (Ooh, I hope it's some Ho-Hos this time!)


	20. Chapter 20

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 yeah Im delusional enuff 2 beleev that by basically repeating the same thing over and over again, ull listen to me! fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 I luv da tampons you bot me... they look relly gud covurd in blood! oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz... pot is leegul in transilvania rite?... so dnot expect updatz. I guess that meenz ive made u all happy for a while.

All day I wondered what the surprise was... Ho-Hos? Twinkies? Ding-Dongs? Anything from Hostess? Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it (it must have been a cheap knock off of purple because the first letter was suspiciously missing), an black gothic compact boots which are too tiny for my honking big feet. MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one and because Tara likes to obsess about MCR concerts. I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. But then again, I slit my wrists to any type of music I listen to! Hell, I slit my wrists even when I DON'T listen to music! Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum of the millions of black clothes in my wardrobe and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom... while, of course, slitting my wrists. I gut all mad and turned it of, something I normally don't do with any of the songs I listen to, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again. You know... so he can put his boy's thingy into mine and I can lose my virility.

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! "R u gonna cum rape me or what, because I'm REALLY into that." I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo... though that only works around little kids and I'm 17.

"No, actshelly (geddit? Hell? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT ISN'T FUNNY?) kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily.

"Yah, so u can fuk my six-yr-old gurlfriend... I mean, UR six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally.

"Fuker. I said CONDEMNS, not condoms! You know, just in case I wanted to condemn a building. And I actually do want to condemn a building and not try to bang your... I mean, my six-year-old girlfriend or anything." He said, gong away. There sure are a lot of gongs in this fic, aren't there?

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, a village in the Harrogate district of North Yorkshire, England, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation because I still haven't gotten the freaking hint that white foundation doesn't make me any more of a vampire! Then I went. Den I gasped... Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1 Seriously, it's bad enough Loopin goes after six-year-old girls... but why would he want to bang Snake from Metal Gear?

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot... and you 50 cent idiot and you gucci mane idiot too!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying, and never appeared in the fanfic again after this scene. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (Ben is apparently into this type of stuff) but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is moved 2 griffindoor now, and just as I magically misspelled the name of Gryffindor again, I move characters from the metal gear universe into this one)

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat even though while I was writing this I hadn't submitted the chapter yet, so you couldn't have known that I spelled it incorrectly before)

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin shouted angrily. Seriously, what's Lurleen Lumpkin from the Simpsons doing in this fic? (And btw, she'd probably move to griffindoor too)

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed, but then I always like to replay, just like I replay the "if u flam then ur a prep" line.

"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily (I think he was using the Nikita Launcher). And then... I took out my black camera (even though I have black everything, cameras can typically be black) and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything even though this is fanfiction and you're reading just words.

"Well xcuuuuuuuuuse me, princess!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?"

"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked. "And so that I can have a picture of 2 naked men to put on 4chan. It'll make my thread super-popular on /b/! So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork... maybe I'll put some troll faces on both of you in the pic, it'll look funny! So fuck off, u bastards!" I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them (my wrist wound, which I got from slitting my wrists, because I keep slitting my wrists) and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot, now that Tara has changed him into looking like Joel Madden instead of how he originally was.

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him.

"Where did Draco? Don't you mean 'Where did Draco go?' Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum. I think he may need to see a urologist when dealing with delayed ejaculation." Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert? Because even though you're a female, you're more likely to do it than he is."

Then... he showed me his flying car. I gasped. Another main character in the Harry Potter series (the main character no less) has been given a flying car just because Tara thinks flying cars are cool. It was a black car. He said his dogfather (a godfather for dogs) Serious Blak, though he is not in the same family line as Harry Potter is whatsoever, had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it, because flying cars in this fanfic always have to have license plates that say 666 on them. The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it (it must be a typo... are you sure it's supposed to say that and not 'EBONY'?)

...I gasped. Man, I've been gasping a lot! I hope I don't have asthma or anything like that!

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing. But then you shouldn't be surprised, because MCR is always playing at the concert hall in a fanfic like this!

Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik... though it's kind of hard to make out AND mosh at the same time. I gapsed, looking at da band, and wondering whether or not to get an inhaler.

I almost had an orgasim, which is a simulated orgasm. Gerard was so fucking hot, so hot that Tara changes Draco's appearance so that he looks just like him! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall, because it's doing wonders on Tara's eardrums! ...And den, I heard some crrying, with the r's rolled like someone was speaking Spanish. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner... because even Draco and Gerard Way look exactly alike now, I could tell that the one that's not on stage is always Draco.


	21. Chapter 21

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. maybe if i make ppl think 'ravern' and 'raven' r 2 different ppl, shell let me off teh hook. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed! It's the awesome soda commercial, where Dr. Kola performed sum experments in his lab, and made some delishus Dracola! Ima drink some of dat!

Later we all went in the skull, because the author is too "goffik" to write the word "school" properly. Draco was crying in da common room, because Tara hasn't seen Draco cry enough even though he just cried in the last chapter. "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice, which is one of the few parts of me that actually IS gothic.

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide, but then again, this is a Tara Gilesbie fic, so what do you expect from him?

"Its ok Enoby." said vampire comfortly, which isn't even a real adverb. "Ill make him feel better, though why would he feel better if he's ill, anyway?"

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" I shouted angrily, despite the fact that Tara is still obsessed with emo yaoi. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too. And then he left, changed his clothes, and returned.

"Draco please come!" he began to cry. Because he still hasn't discovered the cure for delayed ejaculation yet, tears of blood came down his pail face (because a pail apparently fell on his head and hit his face). I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz, so Tara has to do what I say and include both of them in as many chapters as possible! (if ur a homophone, like a lot of misspellings in this tail, den fuk of!)

And then... we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke, a new flavor of Coca-Cola that makes you invincible when you drink it! We both gut under it, though we could've just drank it and savored the flavor. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand, though there's no one in the Harry Potter franchise by that name (closest is Mrs. Norris the kitty)... so we assume he's really Chuck Norris, because fanfics are more awesome when Chuck Norris is in them.

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily, eager to deliver a roundhouse kick. We saw Filth come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly. Which is weird, because he's acting crazier than he usually does, and it could mean that Tara has confused Filch with his cat Mrs. Norris, even though it's really easy to tell the difference.

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris.

"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way... and I don't know how he would manage to somehow get his face inside his own and talk within his own chest area.

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris. Den he heard Filch meow, which is the only dialogue he'll have thanks to being OOC. "Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked. Filth nodded. And then... Vampir frenched me! He did it jus as... Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1 Only Chuck Norris has the power to see invisible cloaks... because he's so awesome like that.

"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him, because really, no one can win a fight against Chuck Norris. And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school, because even though he looks as awesome as Gerard Way now, he'll never be more awesome than Chuck Norris.

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?"

"I guess though, though knowing Tara I may keep acting as though I have bipolar disorder or something." Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other, and I can't believe I just made out with both Vampire and Draco in the same chapter. Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin, as the low score on Rotten Tomatoes will tell you) on the gothic red bed together (and it's likely red from all the blood on it). As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now... though it's just an excuse for not having a vision of anything. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic (no relation to Fudge and the Ministry of Magic) walked into the school!1


	22. Chapter 22

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven's folt ok!11 so if i can blam her i can get away wif it!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok... but later tonite, in da bedroom, you, raven, can suk... he he he!11 prepz suk!1

All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic... the misery being that Tara hasn't been able to fully develop them in that scene. Well anyway, I woke up the next day just so she can avoid writing about it. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas which may or may not have been ripped (because lace may have a tendency to rip). Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where... B;loody Mary (who's so hardcore, she's changed her apostrophe to a semicolon), Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula, Nosferatu, Vlad the Impaler, Alucard, Jurgen, Count Von Count, and Willow!

I opened my crimson eyes. No, wait, I'm supposed to have icy blue eyes, like limpid tears! Oh well, they're probably crimson from all the colored contacts that everyone is wearing! Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top (though if the boots were attached to the top of the skirt she'd probably be very uncomfortable). Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. And since Vans are in more than one chapter now, maybe people will start buying them at shoe stores! Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, but then again, in this fic, he ALWAYS looks like Gerard Way! And of course, Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage (and even then, it would be a lot better than seeing MY lumpy mashed taters), with a white apron that said 'BICH' (The Bangladesh Institute of Child Health) and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once (and I was disappointed when that word wasn't even in Alice In Wonderland). Darkness (who is Jenny, who is also apparently Ginny, and was just written in at the last minute) was there too. She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. If she can manage to weave all that, then I hope she weaves a lot more clothes, so that I can describe them in later chapters! So were Crab and Goyle... I'm sure Crab is supposed to be Crabbe, but I'm sure Goyle is correct. It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire, and all four of them have the same dad now, apparently. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor, even though vampire's don't really die by that method. He had raped them and stuff before too, like every other character who has been given this excuse just so Tara won't write about them. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism. Now I wonder... do they worship Stan from South Park, or Stan from American Dad? Or do they worship Stan from Monkey Island?

"OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here? The story is supposed to revolve around ME, and me alone!"

"Enoby something is really fucked up, other than just your name." Draco said.

"OK but I need to describe my... I mean, I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily.

"It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice.

"Really?" I asked.

"Pssh... hyeah right! You're as fugly as sin!" Draco said.

"Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective."

"Why does your dialogue always imply that I have an erection?" he said.

So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation, since Tara couldn't think of some good clothing descriptions for me since she just wasted them on everyone else. Then I came. Then I changed my clothes. We all went outside the Great Hal (Hal Sparks was there, apparently) and looked in from a widow (it was bad enough that her husband died, now something like THIS has to happen to her!). A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt, the stereotypical attire of preps everywhere, so we put up our middle fingers at her for no reason. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork, who I'm sure appreciates the nickname. Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore, moaning about the sex change operation Tara gave him. Doris Rumbridge (nee Dolores Umbridge) was there too.

"THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED, AND THE CAPS LOCK KEY MUST ALWAYS BE ON WHEN WRITING MY DIALOGUE FROM NOW ON!"

"THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge. "I WONDER IF THE BARK LORD AND THE 'DOGFATHER' FROM CHAPTER 20 ARE ONE AND THE SAME!"

"YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER, EVEN THOUGH THAT'S NOT REALLY YOUR TITLE!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS, SINCE OLD PEOPLE LIKE YOU HAVE ALZHEIMERS IN THESE KINDS OF FICS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS! BECAUSE IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRY, TRY AGAIN!"

"Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this, or make immature jokes about a certain part of the body. We can't close the school. There is only one person capable of killing Voldemort and her name is... Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."

"THERE'S NO ONE HERE BY THAT NAME!" Rumbridge yelled. "ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT SLACKER EBONY DARK'NESS DEMENTIA ANGELINA CONTESSA LUISA FRANCESCA BANANA FANA FO FRESCA RAVEN WAY?"

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other... then they looked at me, then I looked at them, then they looked at me again, then I looked at Dumblydore, then he looked at me, then I looked at Fudge and Rumbridge, and then they looked at me... I gasped.


	23. Chapter 23

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 of corse all of em are bad, but hey, i gut 10000 of em!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox, and its halfway thru da fic and i didnt even red a single 1 until now! gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha! lets go 2 hot topic and by sum groceries!

The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us. We had to go to the nurse's office after we had been sawed in half.

"MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!" Rumbridge shouted angrily, believing that her sentence would be a lot less disheartening if she self-censored it. Dumbledore blared at her.

"Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her, though not as much as Tara corrupted everyone. "She means hi everybody cum in!"

Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. And then they left and returned after they had to change their clothes. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes, though not half as morbid as the ones you're about to see later on in this chapter. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo, though I would've loved it if they looked like Ville Valo instead. I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup, because those are the only foods I know how to eat. Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was... Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother. Maybe next time all the guns should be confiscated so this problem won't happen again.

"Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked.

"You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire, calling him a large terrestrial bird mainly associated with dry open country and steppes in the Old World. "I want to shit next to her!1"

"EWWWWW!" the other students shouted.

"No I do!" shouted... someone.

"EWWWWW!"

"No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco. "Only I can satisfy Ebony's coprophilia!"

"EWWWWW!"

"No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!" shouted Vampire. "And you don't know HOW many times she's washed me, even though I can wash myself!" And then... he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv... though it may as well hav been) They started to fight and beat up each other, because I'm pretty sure that attracts readers to fanfic, right?

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn't stop, making the argument even more disgusting and repulsive than normal. All of a sudden... a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart, and he had no nose. Britney that fucking prep started to cry even though she had a nose and he didn't. Vampire and Draco stopped fighting, and both have noses... I shopped eating, because I somehow found a place to shop online while I was eating... Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent... ...what do you mean, you already know who Voldemort is? Okay, I'ma call him Volzemort this time just because I hate u preps.

"Eboby... I mean Ebony..." Darth Valer, which isn't even close to Voldemort and sounds like a cross between Darth Vader and the spanish word for "to cost", sed evilly in his raspy voice. "Thou havfe failed ur mission. If only thou knew the power of the Dark Side! Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too! And just for fun, I may even kill Dumblydore, Willow and B'loody Mary."

"Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged. "If I want to kill him I can do it by myself!"

"No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway! Now I shall just fly away without killing anyone, thus making this whole dialogue completely pointless!" Then he flew away cackling.

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me, though Tara had already done a good job contorting THEM. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic, because as a Mary Sue, my eyes have a tendency to do that whenever they roll up. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash as a result of faulty special effects, and then Voldremort coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way... making Voldremort's attempt to kill Draco unnecessary. But then it's not like anyone in this fic ever died from slit wrists yet.

"No!" I screamed sexily, making this the first, and definitely not last, usage of the word. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision, which is probably a vision of something that is happening now.

"Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice.

"Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up from one of my many mood swings.

"Everyfing's all right Enoby, even though spelling isn't." said Vampire all sensetive.

"No its not!" I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face, so it must be that time of the month. "OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2, which is very likely a sequel since my knowledge of movies is as limited as my knowledge of food and music choices!"

"Its ok gurl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister, who may or may not be Professor Sinistra, about what the visions mean though."

"Ok bich." I said sadly, believing that the term "bitch" can be used as a term of affection between friends, and den we went.


	24. Chapter 24

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: prepz stup flaming da story ur jus jelous so fuk u ok go 2 hel!11 its a nice city in poland, with lots of cafes, souvenir shops, and even a museum of fishery! raven fagz 4 di help! ...omg raven did i just call u a fag? I sorry!1

Well we had Deviation next, on DeviantArt of course, so I got to ask Professor Trevolry about the visions, though in the last chapter, I was going to ask Professor Sinister, I mean Sinistra, I mean, whoever she is.

"Konnichiwa everybody come in". said Professor Sinister in Weeaboo. She smelled at me with her gothic black lipstick, and it's weird that not only is she smelling someone, but she has lipstick on her NOSE! How weird IS that? She's da coolest fucking teacher ever, in spite of that. She had long dead black hair with blood red tips and red eyes. (hr mom woz a vampire, like everyone else's mom in this story. She's also haf Japanese so she speaks it even though it's totally unnecessary, being that Harry Potter was never Japanese at all. she n b'loody mry get along grate, which means they probably grate cheese in the Great Hall too) She's really young for a teacher, which makes her more likely to be a suitable band member for Generic Emo Bandname 666 than Hagrid. 2day she was wearing a black leather top with red lace and a long goffik black ripped dress, because teachers like her deserve such awesome clothing descriptions! We went inside the black classroom with pastors of Emily the Strong, a patron deity who occasionally likes to work out. I raced my hand, though I could've just raised it. I was wearing some black naie Polish (and since the teacher's going to be japanese, I might as well wear some polish from a japanese city) with red pentagrams on it.

"What is it Ebony?" she asked. "Hey I love ur nail polish where'd u get it, Hot Topik? That is, one of the few stores that Tara can think of?"

"Yeah." I answered. All the preps who didn't know what HT was even after I shoved it down their throats over and over and over again gave me weird looks. I gave them the middle finger, because I'm always in such a giving mood. "Well I have to talk to you about some fings, which are easy to install reusable hooks that come in a range of designs! When do you want to due it? Preferrably in a pit of Jello for the male readers out there?"

"Ho about now?" she asked.

"What did you call me?" I said. "But yeah, I'll totally do it."

"OK class fucking dismissed every1." Proffesor Trevolry, who may or may not be Proffesor Sinister, swore (she must have caught her headache from Dumblydore) and she let every1 go. "Except for you Britney." she pointed at Britney and sum other preps. "Please do exorcise (geddit, EXORCISE instead of EXERCISE? MY PUNS ARE FUNNY AND YOU'RE GONNA LISTEN TO 'EM WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!) 1 on page 3."

"But I didn't even DO anything!" Britney said.

"Tough. Tara hates you for no reason whatsoever, so therefore you have to be unfairly punished so people will feel sorry for you! Now do your work and shut up!"

"Aw..."

"OK I'm having lotz of visions that apparently are of things that are happening right now." I said in a worried voice. I'm so worried is Draco gong 2 die, despite the fact that he's one of the main characters in this fic and will be around until like the very end?

Well she gave me a black cryptal ball, a ball commonly found in crypts, to lock in... though what it's locking in I have no idea. I looked at it.

"What do you c?" she asked.

"I said I see a black gothic skull and a pentagram."

"Well, welcome to a fanfic by Tara Gilesbie! There are black gothic skulls and pentagrams EVERYWHERE! Now look in the cryptal ball and tell me what you REALLY see."

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. I looked at it. It was a very nice door. It was made of wood, and it was probably black. Oh, and Draco was there. He was looking really sexy wearing a black leather facet, a flat polished surface cut on a gemstone, a black gothic Linkin Park t-shirt and blak Congress shoes. The very shoes that all members of the House of Representatives wear!

"Okay you can go now, see ya cunt." said Professor Sinister, or Trevolry, or whoever she's supposed to be called.

"Bye bitch." I said waving. "And don't call me that again, you ho."

I went to Draco and Vampire was sitting next to him. We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited, which means I was put on display for all to see (and being that I'm the main character, why would you be surprised?).


	25. Chapter 25

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin Lawson 2 bet u up!1111 i mean hes beat me up several times before so surely he can do the same to u right? n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!111111111111 you know, cause ur computer has so many vicez in it. FUK UU!1 I dont believe in Unitarian Universalism and I nevur will! raven fangz for de help!1 that giant size box of tampons you bot will last da hole day!

I was so excited. I fellowed Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again. And after we wandered some more (and I fellowed him while doing it), we went outside and then we went into Draco's black car, one of the many flying cars in this story.

"Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry or Sinister or whoever she is say." whispered Draco potting his gothic whit hand (the smallest particle of hand) with bvlak nail polish (apparently a new Slovakian brand of black nail polish) on mine.

"She said 'ho', and then she said 'cunt', and then she said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." I grumbled in a sexy voice (well, sexy to ME, at least). He took out a heroin cabaret, which is some kind of fancy nightclub, unless it's really a drink, and spiked it, though since it's full of heroin anyway, spiking it would be unnecessary, and gave it to me to spork, though it would be insane to use a spork with drinks. He started to fly the car into a tree (most likely in the Forbidden Forest). We went to the top of it... and I don't know if it's either the car or the tree. Draco put on some MCR, and so will you. Because you like MCR, even if you don't want to admit it.

"And all the things that you never ever sold me / and all the styles that are ever gonna hunt me." sang Gerard's sexy voice... at least that's what I think he sang. We started tiling of each other's cloves fevently (spices can be used to make floor tiles now). He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar (the leather bar that may have been from the heroin cabaret). I took of his black boxers, just to ensure that the fic retains its M rating. Then... he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. Or was it the other way around? Anyway, I'm not good at writing sex scenes as I am with writing clothing scenes, okay?

"OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism, which is probably a belief involving an organization. We stated frenching passively, which means we played it pretty much safe. Suddenly... I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair. And now I'm gonna get complaints from any African-Americans reading this fanfic.

"No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" they pleaded but he just kept shooting them, which means he could be a major villain for the rest of this fic. He ran away in a red car, though running in a car would probably be impossible, so he likely drove away.

"No! Oh my fucking god!11" I shouted in a scared voice, because how else are you supposed to shout?

"Ebony what's wrong?" Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes.

I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face, thus ensuring that my icy blue eyes would not remain icy blue for long. I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. And then he used it to call Vampire. Butt the worst thing, other than the butt fetish at the beginning of this sentence, was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where... Lucian and Serious!111 Though it could be Lucian Bole from the Slytherin Quidditch team and Sirius Black from Gryffindor. Why would they be two people from different houses?


	26. Chapter 26

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! if u dnot no what fok means it means FILL OR KILL ok! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11 ur confusing this story for imma wiserd which is one of my favorites I luv soulja spirit buu jackson ok!

A few mutates later (as if this story wasn't mutated enough) Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson (i dunno whether it was michael, since he has like white skin), black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt (a rare misprint, and a collector's item!).

"Hi Vampire." I said flirtily as I started to sob and sob and sob and sob and sob. Drago hugged me sexily tryont to comfrot me... also sexily. I started to cry tears of blood (TM) and then told them what happened.

"Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly, since a number 4 had been inserted into the sentence for no reason. "What fucking dick did that! She should really learn how to type properly!"

"I don't know." I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor where the E at the end of his name went."

We ran out of the tree and in2 da castle. Dumbawamba was sitting in his office.

"Sire, two students Tara thinks are are dads have been shot!" Draco said while we wipped sum tears from his white face (see, it's not racist if I say a WHITE person gets whipped, right?). "Enoby had a vision in a dreem, probably the kind most people have when they're high."

Dumplestiltskin started to cockle, which is a type of bivalve shell that also has the word "cock" in it. "Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional, particularly since she HATES long division?"

I glared at Dumbledore.

"Look motherfucker." he said angrily as Dumbelina gasped, probably because Vampire said one of his favorite words in from of him (c is da toot of crakter... I don't know what a crakter is, but it sure loves to toot!). "U know very well that I'm not decisional, since it takes me an ETERNITY to decide what to wear and/or describe! Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian, even though they'll probably just end up bringing back Lucian since they don't know who this "Series" is- pornto! Which reminds me, I want some porn too."

"Okay." he said in a intimated voice... and probably sexily. "Were are they?"

I fought about it, because I love to pick fights with people. Then all of a sudden... "Longdon." I said, which is a lesser-known city in England than it's similarly-spelled counterpart London. I told him which street, using the directions that Tara just now looked up on MapQuest. He went and called some people and did some stuff that the writer doesn't really care about. After a few mistunes (even more than the ones from Generic Emo Bandname 666), he came back and said people were going out looking for them. Not that any people actually did, but he just SAID that they did. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found, in the area where commonly-misspelled characters are often beat up by over-the-top villains. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room... which meant that he would join both of us in the nurses office too. We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed eyes, which are about as derpy as, well... Derpy Hooves herself! Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers... and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1 Or was it Proffesor Trevolry? In any case, I hope it's the hot one!


	27. Chapter 27

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

Chapter 27. Vampirz wil never hurt u, tho this fic hurts THEM

AN: u no wut!111 I dnot giv a fok wut u prepz fink abot me!1111 since im as one-dimensional as the ocs i create, i can just say mean things about you whenever i want which will result in a lot of repercushun! so stup flaming da foking story bichez!1111 fangz 2 raven ur luv n sport n help i luv u gurl soz i kodnt update lol I wuz rly deprezzed n I silt muh rists I had 2 go 2 da hospital... da sexy doctors r givin me a spunj bath... ooh! hand me mah razor bladez im goin ther mor oftun! rraven u rrrrrok gurrrrrrrrrrl!1111111111111111111

Every1 in the room stated to cry happly - because you can cry happily as well as sadly... and both give u the same result: tears of blood - I had saved them. Drako, Lucian, Serious bond Vampire all came to hug me, because Tara wants me to be hugged by 4 guys. The nurse started to give them medicine, because any guy who hugs ME deserves some xtra medicine.

"Cum on Enoby." said Proffesor Sinatra, dooby-dooby-doo. After all four of those guys did that, I took a spunj bath. Anyway, Sinister (or was it Trevolry?) was wearing a gothic blak leader dress that asserts her leadership status, with a corset top and real vampir blood on it (though there are probably no real vampirs in this fic!) and fuking black platinum boots. FUKING BLACK PLATINUM BOOTS. They're black boots, and they're platinum. HOW AWESOME IS THAT? "I have to tell you the fucking perdition, which is the state of eternal punishment and damnation into which a sinful and unpenitent person passes after death."

I locked at Lucian, Serifs (who is now more than one type of font), Drake, and Vampire. They nodded, because guys in Tara's fanfic will always agree to being locked up.

I smelled happily thanks to the perfume I put on after my spunj bath, and went into a dark room. I had changed Profesor Sinister (probably after she "came") took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible ball, which is a ball in a ceramic or metal container in which metals or other substances may be melted or subjected to very high temperatures. She said... "Tara, I see drak times are near." She said badly written. She peered into da balls. After this, the guys had to pull their pants back up. "You see, you must go back in time." She took out a Time-Toner like B'loody Mary had when she wanted to work on her biceps. "When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Yeah, some people didn't want him to enjoy a warm, toasty fire for some reason. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love, because just about anyone can fall in love in THIS fic!" I shook my head, to get rid of all the dandruff that was still in my hair from my spunj bath. "U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way, other than going back to when Tara first started this story and teaching her how to spell-check and NOT cut her wrists. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it... preferrably in a dominatrix outfit and with your tongue."

"Okay." I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin (a horribly mangled version of the Death Touch Sign... yeah I didnt read the Saga of Darren Shan much either). I went outside again sadly.

"What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire.

"Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow, and Boldy Mary, who is now a style of typeface just like Serifs?

I was about to tell them butt every1 was there, and had a butt fetish. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond... of something. Everyone was proud of me butt I just wonted 2 talk 2 Draco about my butt fetish. They were cheesing my name (someone's been watching too much South Park) and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore (and probably trying to get him to say, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"). A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wearing the HIM sign on their handz- depite me- I mean, depite THEM not having akshelly heard of him. (I mean, HIM is a guy, right... because I'm assuming since it's spelled that way using a pronoun to describe a man, then it would probably be a man, amirite?) Even Mr. Noris looked happy, probably because he got to roundhouse kick someone offscreen. A blak and red cake had been brought out, though the cake may have been a lie. Crabbe and Goyke (a former member of the Wisconsin State Senate) set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises (though the skulls from Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes would probably be better).

I put on my Invisibility coke (a new flavor of Coke that turns you invisible when you drink it) with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether, because we don't want anyone else to take it from us and drink it when we're not looking!


	28. Chapter 28

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: I sed stop gflmaing da story, tho i never said it like THAT! it was a miskat when profsor relory sed dat ok!11111111 and it was also a miskat to assum ther actually IS a profsor relory! GO 2 FOKENG HELL!1111 U KNOW, THE HELL THAT BAD PEOPLE FROM FOKENG STREET GO TO! U SUK! fangz 2 fily 4 da help!1! fily dabo sissoko is da best malian political leader evar!1 raven hav fun wif kiwi, that cute little bird from new zeeland!1111111

We went in2 a blak room, which could be any room in any place in this story. The wallz were blak with portraits of gothic bands lik MCR, GC and Marlin Mason (a basketball player for the CSU Vikings) all over them. A big black coffin was in the middle. Red vevlet (a generic imitation velvet knockoff) lined da blak box. There were three chairs made of bones with real skullz in dem (presumably the skullz of people who committed suicide by being forced to read this story). I wuz wearing a blak corset bar, like the leather bar from the cabaret, wif purple stuff on it (like the purple stuff from the commercial for Sunny Delight), fishnet suckings (the suckiest fishnets ever) and a blak leather thong underneath so I can rock to Sisqo's Thong Song.

I sat down one of da chairs dispersedly, which means I broke the chair with my fat weight and the parts of it ended up scattering. So did Drako and Vampire, though they're not as fat as I am.

"Are you okay?" Vampir asked potting his albastard hand (what a naughty, NAUGHTY hand) on mine. He was wearing black nail polish. I was wearing blak nail polish with red crosses on it even though I said I wouldn't write that word in chapter 10.

"Yah I guess." I said sadly. Drako also pot his hand on mine sexily. By the way, how do you "pot" your hand... do you put your hand in a pot or something? I smiled sadly with my blak lipstick. "The problem is... I have to seduce Volxemort, which shouldn't be that hard because we're both bad influences. Ill have 2 go bak in time, like any other story with cliched unoriginal ideas."

Draco started to cry sadly. Vampire hugged him. Maybe that's why he was crying sadly.

"Itz okay Eboby." he said finally. "But what about me? Ur not gonna brake up or anyfing, are you? Though it would be a good idea to put some new brakes on this flying car of mine."

"Of coarse not!" I gasped, realizing that I had used "coarse" instead of "course".

"Really?" he asked.

"Sure." I said.

We frenched sexily, and sexed frenchily. Vampire looked at us longingly, in a strong persistent desire that cannot be fulfilled.

Then... I took off Draco's MCR shrift (his confession to a priest) and seductvly took of his pants, so that I could get into them. He was hung lik a stallone. And believe me, Sylvester Stallone has quite a bulge down there! He had replaced the Vampire tattoo that said Enoby on it (and I assumed he replaced it with a tattoo that actually spelled my name correctly this time). Black roses were around it. I gasped, then I pulled out my inhaler. He lookd exactly lik Gerard Way, but then this is Tara's fanfic, so when DOESN'T he look lik Gerard Way? Vampire took a vido camera (a camera from a Greek island.) (I had sed it wuz ok b4 Tara told me 2 say it was ok.)

I took of my clothes den we were in 4 da rid of r lif (which meant we want to commit suicide, like we do every single chapter).

We started freching as we climbed into the cofin. He put his spock in my you-know-what (so that I can live long and prosper) and passively we did it. But then since this sex scene is poorly written, we're always passive about it.

"I love you Eboby. Oh let me feel u I need 2 feel u, so do u feel me feel u, because I can feel u feel me feeling u like u are feeling me feeling u feeling me feeling u feeling me feeling u." he screamed as we got an orgasm (because I have them like he does). We watched Vampire filmed everything perfectly (because he may be better at filming than Tara is at writing). Suddenly...

"WHAT THE FUCK R U DOING! AND WHY IS THE CAPS LOCK KEY STILL ON AGAIN?"

It was... Snope (knowledge gained from an urban legends website), and Professor McGoggle, donning the latest in protective eyewear!111


	29. Chapter 29

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelous koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 yeah thats right ima say the same shit ovur and ovur again, which is just like what da big media compennies do all da time, give u da same things over and over again... da same movies, da same TV shows... nuffing original. Speaking of, raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111 I must include this, uthurwize it woodent be a My Immortal chapter wiffout dem!

"Oh my satan!1" we screamed in a hopefully memetic catchphrase as we jamped (got jumped and mugged at the same time) out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle (again, not their real names) started to shoot at us angrily. Tara, why the fuck are you arming the Harry Potter characters with guns for no reason?

"CUM NOW!1!" Preacher McGongel yielded, proving that there are some priests out there that are still sickos that order young children and teenagers to do that. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes, and yes, this sentence, combined with the ones before it, can cause the paragraph to have a dirty double meaning. Snoop garbed the caramel (why Snoop Doggy Dogg would want to wear candy is beyond me) and put it in his pocket.

"Hey what the fuck!111" Vampire shooted angrily.

"Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera... other than use it as a sex toy?" Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley, a suburb of the city of Sheffield, with his gothic red eyes, which basically everyone else in this fanfic has now. "Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret, and sometimes he yeses others, and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango's and try some of their delicious fruit. So give back Cincinnati... I mean give back da camera!1111"

Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe a sentence where someone is speaking or thinking and there is no quotation marks is a good sentence. Snoop laughed meanly.

"Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!" slurred Professor McGoggle. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it (they weren't white before, and you can pretty much guess why they're white now). There were all these werid tools in it that would go great in my bedroom. Drco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rules 4 lif but nut as muxh as tom felton ur sex on legz with a side order of sex and some more sex on da side I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111 mary me dammit... i dont wana be a vurjin foreva!11111).

I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so Ima make my characters cry tearz of blood in EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes, or icy blue eyes, or whatever color eyes they are... hell, I don't even know anymore!

And then... he and Snoop both took out guns using magic, though they really didn't need magic to take out their guns... come to think about it, they didn't even need their guns when they actually have magic. They started to shoot each other angrily, or is it shout each other angrily? I can never remember the right word! Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. And none of the bullets did either. I took out my wand, because SOMEONE had to do it here.

"Crosio!" I shouted. But since that is an Italian painter's name, nothing happened. Snap stated 2 scram he drpd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. And they looked so good in those tights, too! I STOPPED DA CURSE. Meaning I actually did something useful for a change. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Now this is my kind of spell! Den she said "OK Serverus I'm going 2 go now, and find out why your name, and mine, keeps getting changed often." She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry. I started to pull out a bag of popcorn.

"It's ok Enoby." said Draco. "Evergreen will be all right... whoever she is. Remember the cideo u took of Snake... as well as the cideo camera that Dumblydore pooped out while on the toilet."

Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111 Now this is really my kind of spell!


	30. Chapter 30

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 so FUL U!111 That's that university where people make ful medames, and its a tasty egyptian dish! if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111 and when i go to the bathroom i never wipe it! soz 4 soz 4 saying alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux. i mean, it must suk if it has people like me making dumb fanfic like dis! fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111 The bangladesh institute for childrens health didnt know what hit them!111

"No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly, which means he must be really lazy. He took out a kamera anvilly. Or maybe he took out an anvil... camera...ly. Then... he came tords Darko!1! And since there are no black people in this scene, Im referring to the next closest thing... Draco! He took sum stones out of his poket (those stones are basically used for addition problems). He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle (surprisingly, he put the egg of a parasitic insect on a candle when he couldve just lit it).

"What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly, which means he must be really lazy. No, wait, I actually used laughed correctly? Whoops! My bad. He polled down his pants (they were obviously the worst clothing choice in a My Immortal clothing poll). I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11! Which means... Snoop is obviously a dork as well as a prep!

He waved his wand and a nife came. I don't know why you'd need a wand to do that, since knives can be common too. He gave da knife 2 me.

"U must stab Vrompire, which is what I'm calling him now." he said to me. "If u don't then I'll rap Draco!1 And I'm thinking of making him listen to Lil Wayne!"

"No you fucking bastrad, a rock group from the United Kingdom!1" I yielded.

But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant (a drug that lowers arousal) and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist, because why else would you be looking at a fanfic so hellish?) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard, because I always have to include Gerard in just about every description of Draco possible. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. Because when you're obsessed with being "goffik" and the color black, anyone with black hair is considered "smexy". I thought of da time when we screwed (which could be basically at any chapter in this story) and then time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came (which could also be basically at any chapter in this story) and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive (which could also be... well, you know the drill).

Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. Though I really think he is easily prey FOR Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation, which is definitely binding or crippling him, dancing around the stokes, which are units of kinetic viscosity, whipping Draco and Vampire (though I myself would like some of that whip action). Suddenly an idea I had, and talking like Yoda I did. I clozd my eyes and using my Mary Sue powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape. But as you can tell, my attempts to massage Draco's and Vampire's bodies were pathetic.

"Dumbeldork will get u!" Draco shooted.

"Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out, and until you can solve da Mystery!11" Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand, which may have the power to summon knives.

"You ridiculus dondderhed!111" Snoop yielded like a grade-schooler. He took off all of Drico's clothes. And the Agape Christian receiver is probably going to want them back. Just as he was about to rape him...

"Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. And of course, my wrist wound is not a famous Italian painter, and also my pooping myself was highly unnecessary. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming, even though he already scremed before he started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious in txt form. I stopped doing crucio, though it's the first time I actually did it correctly.

"You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came. And then he had to change his clothes. Maybe he wore the clothes that Snoop took from Drico.

Snake put the whip behind his bak (it would go great with his Nikita Launcher). "Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing." he lied, though I probably learned more here than anywhere else in the chapter. But suddenly Lusian and Professor either Trevolry or Sinister came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Yes! They were nice enough to not put them around me! Then Professor either Sinister or Trevolry said 'Come on Ebony let's go find out why different sets of quotation marks were used here."


	31. Chapter 31

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111 Or is it queefs, or however you spell it? You know, that word they use on south park to describe when women emit gas from their vaginas? stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen becuz u havent seen her perform the rest of the things that typical Mary Sues do, so fok u!1111 fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111 now i can finaly have someone go to da bathroom wif me and wipe my ass!111

"I always knew u were on Voldemort's side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111 yes, this is one of the few cultural references in this fic that actually raise the intellectual level, and definitely not a sad misspelling even though the h is far from the a. yeah, thats it.)" Serious said 2 Snape, though he didn't say the stuff in parentheses, though it would be funny if he did.

"No I'm not I was teaching them somefing, which may or may not be about Buffy!1" Snap clamed. Ooh, he clicked my name!

"Oh fucking yeah?" I took some black Vitameatavolremortserum out of my poket and gave it to Serverus. He made Snap dirnk it. He did arngrily, after he had been forced to drink my peepee. Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap. And as if the swearing in this fanfic hadn't been extreme enough, you get to listen to it in audiotape form now! Then Proffesor Sinister or Trevolry or whoever and Lucian or Lucius or whoever made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes, and as if the swearing in this fanfic hadn't been extreme enough, you get to listen to the bodily emissions of the characters in audiotape form now! Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times for including him in this chapter. Professor Trevolry or Sinister or whoever took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to stop Tara from slitting her wrists... or sedouce Volxemort, whichever I felt was more important. Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over, and don't worry, because this room isn't the last place you'll see them! Hermoine or B'loody Mary or whoever, Darkness or Jenny or Ginny or whoever, and Willow or Raven or whoever came too. B'loody Mary or Hermione or Foxylene or whoever the hell she is gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid's store (it was the only color available thanks to Tara's limited color options.)

"Whatz in da bag?" I asked Profesor Trevolry or Sinister or whoever. "I hope it's cocaine! I love snorting cocaine!"

"U will c." she said. I opened thee bag, forsooth! In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress, which contains surprisingly less smut than a good 99% of this fic. It had red korset stuff, a research project aiming to provide zero false-alarms intrusion detection against code-injection attacks, and there was a silt up da leg. Yep, there's plenty of granular material like sand! I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz after my 100 attempts to put them on myself had failed, and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen because she knows I take an ETERNITY picking them out myself. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick. And of course, since I keep slitting my wrists, other people have to apply makeup to my face for me!

"You look fucking kawaii, bitch." B'loody Mary said, sounding like a weeaboo with Tourette's syndrome.

"Fangs." I said using a forced meme.

"Ok now you're going to go back in tim." said Proffesor Sinister or Sinistra or whoever she's supposed to be! "Though thanks to Tara's spelling, it sounds like you're trying to anal-rape a guy named Tim. U will have to do it in a few sessionz." She gave me a blak gun, the choice weapon of badfic. I put it in a strap on my fisnetz like in Redisnet Evill, just to throw another cultural reference in there. Then she gave me a black time-tuner, the alarm clock that's also an mp3 player! "After an hour use da time torner, created by a famous Canadian choreographer, to go back here." Proffesor Trevolry or Trelawney or Sinister or Sinistra or whoever the fuck she's supposed to fuckin' be said! Then she and B'loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me, and though it's misspelled, it thankfully isn't distorted to become the word Penis... at least not yet. Every1 went in front of it, and every 2 and every 3 and every 4 and all the other numbers in the universe.

"Good luk!1" Everryone shooted, and the Mexican standoff chapter isn't even until the very end! Darkess and Willow gave me deth's touch sin, which is still a half-assed way to incorporate Saga of Darren Shan into the fic. Then... I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive. Now no one at Hogwarts will probably ever want to use it ever again.

Suddenly I was in fornt of the School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen (they have goth people in the past, right?) He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He was wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. If people in this time period are like that, I might not have gone that far back into the past at all, and I may be in the present, or the future. It was... Tom Bombodil!1111 Okay, what the hell am I doing in Lord of the Rings?


	32. Chapter 32

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 bsides i dont reed lord of teh rings ether! if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 wate a minnet, u dont need to skrew urself, since Ive already done ur job for u! U SUK!111111

"Hi." I said flirtily. "Im Enoby Way da new student. Yep, that's my name, Enoby Way, and not Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Angelina Contessa Luisa Francesca Banana Fana Fo Fresca Raven Way." I shok my pale handz wif their blak noil polish wif him, and I got the shok because a joy buzzer may have been attached to his hand.

"Da name's Tom." he said. "But u kan call me Satan, because like many of the heroes, I've been given a dark, gothic-sounding rename! Datz ma middle nam, and I won't even tell you HOW many names I now have."

We shok hands, since he hadn't removed that joy buzzer. "Well come on we have 2 go upstairs, and yes, I spelled come as C-O-M-E." satan said. I followed him. "Hey Satan... do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day, which is close to but not exactly like Green Day?" (since mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den, or in the case of the latter, at all) I asked.

"Oh my fuking god, how did u know the author thinks this is the 80s?" Satan gasped. "actually, to use an anachronism, I like gc a lot too." (geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s, and gives me an excuse to rape the 80s like I rape other time periods)

"omg me too!" I replied happily.

"guess what they have a concert in hosment." satan whispered in lowercase letters.

"hogsment?" I asked.

"yeah that's what they now call what used to be called Hogsmeade in these time apparently, before Tara decided to call it something other than Hogsmeade in 2006." he told me all sekrtivly, whatever the heck that's supposed to be. "and theres a really cool shop called Hot-"

'topic!" I finshed, happy again that the shop had been given a shoutout yet again.

He froned confusedly, because he just got owned by someone who had a bigger afro than him. "noo its called Hot Ishoo, which is apparently a crappy knockoff of Hot Topic." He smiled skrtvli and with a lot of consonants stuck together. "then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic even though hot topic really started in 1988 and was never called Hot Ishoo to begin with." he moaned.

"ohh." now everything was making sense for me, even though it wasn't making sense for everyone reading this. "so is dumblydor your princepill?" I shouted.

"we keep telling u, he's called the 'headmaster'... but he is called princepill here, apparently." he looked at his black nails. "im in slitherin', which means i move like a snake."

"OMfG SHME TOO!" I SHRIEDKED. "WHOEVER THIS 'SHME' IS, BUT I KNOW I'M IN IT AS WELL."

"u go to this skull?" (geddit cos im goffik, and this joke is only unfunny if i say it is) he asked.

"yah that's why im here im NEW... since I was created in 2006, way after a lot of the canon HP characters." I SMELLED HAPPili, which means like freshly-cut flowers thanks to the new air freshener.

Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck (that broom must have been stuck on there since Tara forced him to keep riding it) and started shredding at us angrily, though anyone who shreds on a broom like it was a skateboard is so frickin awesome. "NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!" he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters, an American Eagle knockoff which forces people to ogle the outfits people are wearing. "STUPID GOFFS!"

Satan rolled his eyes. "his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we're in slytherine and we're not preps. But then again we might not be goffs either... just emo."

I turned around angrily. "actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord, or is it the dogfather? im so confused."

"wtf?" he asked angrily.

"oh nuffin." I said sweetly, calling him a Star Wars race with pink skin.

then suddenlyn... the floor opened. "OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO USE THE END QUOTATION MARK IN THE RIGHT PLACE, and because of this everyone looked AT ME weirdly."

"hey where r u goin?" Satan asked as I fell.

I got out of the hole n it was bak in the pensive that was now in professor trevolry's classroom. dumblydum wuz dere, wondering why Tara just chose to insult his intelligence. "dumblydore I think I just met u." I said. "only you are written as a crappy 80s stereotype."

"oh yeah I rememba that, even though I had no idea that I could be written THAT way." dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik, just like everyone else in this story.

either sinister or trevolry came in. "hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing? and why are you doing it without your clothes on?"

:"um." I looked at her, and wondered why I used a colon to begin a sentence. Seriously, who uses colons to begin sentences?

"oh yeaH I forgot bout that, even though it's at the beginning of the sentence, and no one reading this story forgets about these things."

"wth how?" I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. heck i keep forgetting her actual name! but shes a goff... at least, in Tara's world... so its ok.

professor either sinster or trevlry looked said. "um I was drinking vitameatavegevoldemortserumin." she started to cry black tears of depression, which... I GUESS is a change from the tears of blood that everyone else has been crying. dumblydum didn't know about them, since of course he's been used to the blood tears thing.

"hey r u crying tears of blood?" he asked curiously, tuching a tear, and wondering if blood could be black in this fic, because everything ELSE in this fic sure is!

"fuck off!" we both said and dumblydum took his hand away... and probably either washed it... or didn't, because he didn't know what black blood was like and wanted to find out for himself.

professor either trevlry or sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears like icy blue eyes. "omfg enoby... I think im addicted to Vitameatavegevoldemortserumin... because when you've been exposed to a ridiculously long product name in one chapter, you can't help but be hooked."

AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FUK URSELXXZ DATS SERUS ISSUZ THO MY SPELLING AND GRAMMATICAL ERRORS MAKE IT LESS SERUS 20 GO 2 HELL!1111112


	33. Chapter 33

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok! that stain must have been left by someone else! if u don't lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz, even tho repeating this message over and over again makes me a hippocrit!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u give me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 rememba they have 2 b frum God Himself! U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story even though u can do a good story wifout my "help" lolz1

"Oh my fuking god!1" I shooted sadly. "shud we get u 2 St Manga's and buy some issues of Naruto and Dragon Ball Z, bitch?"

"Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod as Tom Andorson, who is basically the only MySpace friend you're ever going to have, 4 sum help?"

"Sure I said sadly without adding an end quotation mark. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big black GC tshit which wuz his panamas. And since he wears shit on his head like it was a Panama hat, does that make him a shithead? o_O

"Hey Sexxy." I said.

"How'd you know my stripper name Enoby?" he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kinda like Gerard Way when hes talking just so I can force another comparison between him and Gerard Way down your throat.

"Fine." I reponded, and the people in Hogwarts are going to be pleased that a new pond full of water will be available to them after the last one had been tragically dried out. We stared 2 go bak in2 da dorm. Perhaps we should just go back into the dorm instead of just staring at it.

"How far did u go wif Satan?" Drako asked jealously. "Because even if you didn't go as far enough with him, just going out with him can still be too far."

"Not 2 far, lol." I borked, doing an imitation of the Swedish Chef of Muppets fame.

"Will you hav to do it with him?" Draco asked angstily. "And knowing you, you probably will?"

"I hop not 2 far!111" I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him, and decided to put the safety on my gun so that it would not happen again. I said sorry. We frenched. And since I frenched a person whose body I shot with a gun, that makes me a sick weirdo.

"What happened 2 Snipe, a type of wading bird in Asia, Europe, and New Zealand?" I growled.

"U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. Yep, making Draco my mistress is about as weird as making Draco look like Gerard Way! He opened a door... Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 Serious was pokering dem by staging dem wif a blak nife. I wish I could join that poker game, because I would love to have a black knife to slit my wrists!

"NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin bagged as Serious started 2 suk his blood. Either Lumpkin's or Serious' blood, I couldn't tell, but Serious sucked SOMEONE'S blood. I laffed statistically. I tok some photons, as well as some gravitons, of him and Snap bing torqued, as the people on Workaholics say. (ok I no dis iz men... at least I THINK they're men... but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz even tho u see no little kids in this fic nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok becoz 1 of them wrote dis fic 4 u, haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz... that movie wuz terrible! becoz im not in it!) We took sum of Snipe's blod (which I might pour into a bottle later) den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin... which of course had pink lining inside though I don't want to admit it. My cloves were kinda drity, and after all, I don't like to have dirty spices! so I pot on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven't herd of it den FUK U!111 What? U haven't herd of it? Of course my point still stands... FUK U!111). I put on some blak platform high heels. Darko put on 'desolition liverz', Weird Al Yankovic's parody of "Demolition Lovers" by MCR. Den... we storted 2 take of eachotherz clozez because we're hoping that if we take each other's clozez of enough times we can get into Giness! I tok of his shit, because though I don't want people wiping my ass I was able to wipe someone else's, nd he had a six-pak, lolz. And I don't care whether it was a six-pack of alcohol, because I LOVE alcohol! We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge, a famous album by TXK! He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily, and even though the fanfic's so dirty I still for some reason don't bother to include the terms "penis" and "vagina"! I gut an orgy, even though with only two people, it's not much of an orgy.

"Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively and alternating exclamation points and 1's, as he got an eructation, the act of belching. Seriously, that's the first time I've ever heard him burp.

"I luv u TaEbory." he whispred sexily, obviously confusing my name with the writer's, and den we fel aspleep... I wrote it like that because I didn't think the word "asleep" sounded funny enough so I added an extra P to make it funnier lol.


	34. Chapter 34

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: SHOT DA FOK UP PREPZ!1111 hav u even red de story!11 well, i havnt, but i wuz just asking if u had! u r proly al just prepz nd posrs so FUK U!111 Thats rite... Im a self-hater! fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 now i relize that i don't need to bring paper and a pencil to take a urine test!

I wook up in da coffin de next day. Draco waz gone. But enough about him, it's time for the obligatory part where I put on a black tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees... though it could be just blood because of "that time of the month". There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth, another movie i didn't actually see! I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots which are not only made of cheese, but also have a hyphen in between the two o's for no reason, causing people to pronounce them as "bow ots". Suddenly... Sorious cocked on da door. Since I like when people knock on the door with their cocks, I hopened it.

"Hi Ibony." he said in a new bastardization of my name. "Gezz wut u have 2 cum 2 Profesor Sinistor's office and add yet another meaningless ejaculation joke to this story."

"Ok." I said in a deprezzd voice. I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence, which I do for 23 out of the 24 hours of my day. I came anyway, and of course, I changed my clothes.

"So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?" I asked Sorious flirtily.

"Tara fucking tortured them... I mean -I- fucking tortured them." he answered in a statistic way, making his answer just another statistic on the charts. "They r in Abkhazian now, lol. Which is weird because their names don't look Russian to me."

I laughed evilly, proving that I am more evil to the readers than the designated villains.

"Where r Draco and Vampira, the horror hostess from the 50s?" I muttered.

"Dey are xcused form skool 2day... is exactly what was written on the excuse note I got just so Tara can make Draco and Vampire ditch class." Sodomize moaned sexily. "Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas, which is more goth than you'll ever be."

We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there, or maybe it was Proffesor Trevolry. Hell, maybe BOTH of them were there! She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic

( http/ ...What? What do you mean that link doesn't work? I try hard to make this fanfic better and better by hopefully adding http links, and this one fails? I really suck at this, don't I? Anyway, she wuz drinking some Vitameatavegevolximortserum.

She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner... and I would like to believe that she took them out from between those boobies of hers.

"Enoby, you will have to do anozzer session now, which means you'll probably have to become all naked once again. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited to ridiculously long-named items." she said sadly. "Good luck. Fangz! Oh, and you'll also have to cure my addiction to lame gothic puns, too."

And then... I jumped into the Prinsive again. I love this cross between cursive lettering and printed lettering! Then I jumped into the Pensive. Suddenly I looked around... I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula, my favorite stereotypical breakfast! It was mourning, and for some reason Tara has neglected to interrupt this fic with a "geddit? I said mourning instead of morning because I'm goffik" quote. I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese (cheap made-in-China knockoff of Converse) shoes. He looked just like Charlyn Manson... whoever THAT person is. I noticed... he was drinking a portent. He must be almighty if he drinks ominous signs that something disastrous is about to happen!

"Whose he!11" I asked.

"Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn, in Iran, bred backstage." Satan said. "He's da Portents teacher, which means he teaches people how to create omens of impending doom... Ebony?"

"Yah?" I asked.

"Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And did u know that Marilyn Manson, like every other emo musician in this story, is being forced to play at Hogsmeade? And they r showing The Exercise, which is a made-for-TV movie starring Adrian Monahan, at da movies b4 dat."

"Yah?"

"Well... want 2 go 2 da contorted word for 'concert' and da movie wif me?"

"Yah?"

"Listen, lady, do you say anything other than 'Yah?'"

"Yah?"

"Oh, forget it."


	35. Chapter 35

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

Chapter 35. gost of russian technical standards

AN: fangs 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok! now I finally have an idea for da furst time! ...and now I just forgot what it is. oh well. fuk of prepz!11111111 ...wait, maybe that WUZ my idea. oh well. fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 oh well. ps im gong 2 end da story rlly sun so FUK U!111 ...wait, y r u cheering? FUK U!1111 oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1 i mean ive given unnesesary gofik namz to like every1 else! fangz.

I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan... perhaps he influenced those conmen into acting the way they did. Suddenly I gasped... Draco wuz there!111 Is he a conman too?

I grasped. I don't know what it is I grasped, but I grasped something. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner. I mean, I thought they looked good on Eva before, but he looks good in them too!

"Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111" I gosped.

"Huh?" he asked. "Did you just call me a dong?" Then I remembred. It wuzn't Draco. It was Lucan, the famous Roman poet!1 He still had two arms, though I saw a bust of him that didn't have any.

"Oh hi Lucian!1" I sed. "Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz and I didnt even wash mine! You got my germs on it lol!"

"Yah Satan told me abot you. I mean, I thought HE was the evil one, but DAMN." Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz, so sexy that I had to use three X's. They were siting in a corner kutting, and maybe that's why they're so sexxxy, because I like kutting and I like that they did it too. It wuz Serious, Vampire's dad whose name I can't remember, and... Snap! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts even though the band didn't actually form until 1996. "Lizzen I'm in an emo band that pretends to be a goth band and doesn't actually do anything goth at all wif those guys." he said. "Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up, and since Marylin Mason was started in the 80s, I guess it might make sense.

"ORLY." I ESKED.

"YA RLY." he said. "Were calld XUncreativeXNameX. Note how the three X's make the name sound cooler than it actually is. I play teh gutter. I saw this rain gutter lying around and thought it would be a great instrument. Spartacus plays da drums" he said ponting to the famous Greek leader of the slave uprising. "Snap plays the boss. Which means he pays us if we do a good job, and fires us if we happen to fail him. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring, a movie which probably hasn't been made yet. And yes, it is possible to butcher the name Samara by making it more masculine."

"Hey bastards." I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin, but they said they don't remember actually doing that. Suddenly I gasped again. "But don't u have a lead singer, like all uncreative bands have!" I aked. Lucian looked dawn sadly. I think he looks more twilight myself.

"We uzd to but she did. She had a lead singer, and we didn't. She contempted suicide by silting her rists. She has a strong hatred against suicide and she hopes that by covering her wrists with dirt, it would prevent her from putting a razor blade to them."

"Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1" I gasped. "She actually HATES suicide?"

"Its okay but we need a new led snigger." Samaro said. "Our current laugh sucks."

"Wel... I said Im in a bnad myself, though I'm really in a band... a band as uncreative as you are."

"Rilly?" asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111 Or at least, what passes for goffik in this story!

"Yeah were called Generic Emo Bandname 666. Do u wanna hr me sing and end up doing permanent damage to your eardrums in the process?"

Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz, or gutterz, or whatever. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11 ...why are you booing? NOBODY BOOS TARA! NOBODY!) Gurn Day, a day where you have to make distorted facial expressions.

"I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz." I butchered lyrics sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song... plus it's not like I can remember them anyway).. Every1 gasped.

"Enopby? Since the whole fanfic revolves around you, and only you for some reason, will u join da band and make us seem like better musicians by comparison? Plz!1" begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap.

"Um... ok." I shrugged. "Are we gong to play tonight? Because there are a lot of gongs in this fanfic, and it would only make sense to play one of them."

"Yah." they said.

"Ok." I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit because Tara wants to pad this fic out with yet ANOTHER pointless wardrobe description! I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time, though I can probably just go forward in time by just doing what I normally would, since time always goes forward. Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz... Morty Mcfli!1 Yep, another random cameo appearance that doesn't come from the Harry Potter universe at all! He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans, because cameo guest stars deserve special wardrobe descriptions.

"What da hell r u dong here!11" I asked.

"Oh, sorry." he said, zipping up his pants in embarrassment. "I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby." he said siriusly Den... he took out a blak tim machine. But was the "Tim" in question Tim Meadows of Saturday Night Live fame? Because he's the only black Tim I know of. I went in2 it and... sudenly I wuz forward in tim!111 ...I have been having sex with a lot of people named Tim lately, haven't I?


	36. Chapter 36

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111 Which would be really gud 4 me, becuz I just luv graverobbin! im not picky, Ill scroo any1, no mattur wut teh age! ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 ...Okay, I just made up a name out of random letterz, but still, UR A PREP!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111 and tell teh people in england when they r gonna put a hot topic in there, so i dont look like a liar!

I loked around in a depresed way. In other words, I showed strong affection for someone or something, even more so than liking that someone or something. Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister / Trevolry. B'lody Mary, Socrates (the famous Greek philosopher) and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to, or is it "where they're too" or "wear there two"? I'm having a lot of trouble with homophones!

"OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 Okay, well I didn't really see everyone... I didn't see Quirell for instance. I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b Snape!111111 And that he uzd 2 b goffik!111111"

"Yah I no." Serious said sadly. "And by the way, I really did mean yah, even though the last sentence makes me undecided about whether I agree or disagree with you. Shouldn't Tara have written 'I know' instead of 'I no'?"

"Oh hey there bitch." Profesor Trevolry / Sinister said in an emo voice which Tara will actually admit is emo dirnking some Vitameatavegevolxemortseromin... and trying to pronounce the name correctly.

Hi fuker." I said without the opening quotation mark. "Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date... and I need to know how to play the cornet if he's going to make me play one. Also I'm playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too. By the way, I wonder if I can play the cornet in my gothic band... perhaps I can play it better than I play guitar, right?"

"Oh my satan!1" (geddit lolz koz shes gofik... I SAID SHES GOFIK! LAUGH! WHY ARENT YOU LAUGHING? LAUGH GODDAMMIT LAUGH!) gasped B'lody Mary. "Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit even tho Hot Topik is nowhere to be found in England?"

"OMFS, which is short for oral and maxillofacial surgery! Also letz have a groop kutting session, since that is one of Tara's favorite pastimes!11" said Profesor Trevolry / Sinister/ whoever.

"I can't fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first." said Willow. "We can get some adding machines and some abacuses, that will help with our sums, right?"

"Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry / Sinister / whoever so she wont be adikted 2 Vitameatavegevolxemortserumin anymore even though with a name like that it has to be addictive, nd also... sum luv potion 4 Enoby, because she'll kill me if she dies a virgin at the end of the story." Darko said resultantly, a word which may have been pretentiously used in the fanfic to make the readers think Tara actually does know a lot of big words.

"Well we have potions klass now." Willow said so let's go, and who cares that it's not in quotation marks?

We went sexily to Potionz class, and it's surprising to think someone actually associates potions with sex! But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was... Cornelio Fuck!11111 Who while glad he is now a guy again, is angry that his last name is changed to a swear word for no reason.

"Hey where the fuck, pardon the pun, is Dumblydore!111" Draco shouted angrily.

"STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck, who is now female again. "He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin, though Dumblydore doesn't sound like an Azkhabian name he is old and week he has kancer he has alzheimers he has herpes he has something and I don't know why there aren't enough commas. "Now do ur work while I tell Tara not to put a random quote mark in my paragraph for no reason!111"

My friendz and I talked arngrily.

"Can you BELEVE Snap used to be Snape!1" Vampire asked surprisedly.

"DATZ IT!11" CORNELIO FUK, NOW A DUDE, SHOOTED ARNGRILY. "IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE, WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE PROFESOR RUMBRIDGE!111 I MEAN, UMBRIDGE."

He stomped out angrily, and refused to come back until Tara gets his gender right.

Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer, which is hard to do while talking at the same time. Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard... I said cupboard, not closet. What, did you think I was going to make him randomly gay for no reason?

"WTF is he doing?" I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva, which of course had nothing to do with Hargrid at all. It was just written because Tara wanted to write how sexy Draco is when he was distorted to look like Gerard Way. Suddenly... "HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING INTERRUPTING TARA'S FANTASY!11" he shooted.

I looked around... Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11 I hope it's something that'll make the blood taste better so that I can continue binging on it! Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily, because students randomly picking on a teacher for no reason always turns me on!

"God u r such a posr!1" I shooted at Hairgrid like the pot calling the kettle black. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was... Amnesia Portion!111 Or rather a portion of it, because it probably won't have the full effects of a full bottle of Amnesia Potion. I hope Tara remembers all of this!


	37. Chapter 37

**_WARNING: This is a parody of My Immortal. The following work of fiction is not meant to be taken seriously. But then again, it's not like My Immortal was ever taken seriously to begin with._**

**_Harry Potter and characters (C) J.K. Rowling. My Immortal and characters (C) Tara Gilesbie._**

AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX, THO UD REALLY LIKE IT IF DA FORMUR HAPPEND! fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 and don't even think of hijacking my account to upload an unoffishul and premature ending becuz I dont want THAT! raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta my plastic surjury... i mean vocation!11

DARKO'S PONT OF VIEW LOL (WHICH WILL SOMEHOW SHIFT BACK TO EBONY'S POV EARLY ON)

Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor, because Enoby was in2 that.

"Oh mi fucking satan!11" Enoby said. She wuz so hot, and I'm only saying this becuz Tara told me to. "Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster, because I'm really into evil overlords!1"

"But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata... I mean Ebony," said Vampire. "...Crap, did I either just call the author sexy or call you that because of your boobies? Anyway, Why would u need it?"

"To make everyfing go faster even though that's not really how amnesia potion works lol." said Enoby.

"But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?" I asked jelosly. "Even though that's precisely what the author wants?"

"OMFG u guys r so scary!11" said Britney, a fucking prep who is the designated villain.

"Shut the fuk up!1" said Willow. "Seriously, you were created to be Tara's doormat and exist only to make her feel better about herself even though you are a million times better than her in every way!"

"Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry's room before her name changes yet again."

Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater's room after the POV changed from Draco back to... someone who is neither Draco or Ebory! But whoever's POV this is, Profesor Sinister wasn't there... she was probably trying to have her name legally changed to something else because it keeps shifting around between two certain ones. Instead Tom Rid was.

Oh hi fuckers he said without quotation marks. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez, because you need some clovez to make zucchini bread, right?

I took out da cloves from da bag. There were also some clothes in da bag too. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said '666' on da bak, black stilton bootz that smelled of cheese, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset that probably smelled like cheese as well since they were in the bag with the bootz.

"OMG fangz!" I said hugging him in a not-so-gothic way. I took da clothes in da bag and began modeling them in my usual over-the-top fashion.

"OK Profesor Sinister isn't hr, because I don't think she works in Human Resources. Anyway, what the fuk should we do?" asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall... which presumably is the only black wall in the entire room, oddly enough.

"Oh my fuking satan!1" I screamed trying to make "Oh my fucking Satan" a catchphrase. On it said Every1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too confused about whether she should be called Sinister or Trevolry she is in Azkhabian now. So when she returns, expect her to have a Russian-sounding name! Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now even though Hogwarts never had one. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.

"OMFG!111" I shoted arngrily. "How could they do that!11 I actually LIKED both of her old names!11"

Suddenly Dumblydore came, and then returned after he changed his clothes.

"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1" he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly after Draco pulled his zipper up, I saw Morty Mcfly's blak tim machine, which I still think was Tim Meadows!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire, where I think they did some yaoi stuff... hopefully. Sudenly I wuz back in tim, who probably likes it that way!11 I looked around. It was... Profesor Slutborn's efface, which is a verb that not only means "to erase" but also RHYMES with "erase"! I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It was blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it, like everything else in the story. It was the shape of a cross, which I am supposed to hate but I end up using it anyway. So being the hypocrite I am, I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz... Dumblydore!11 I mean, Profesor Slutgorn!11

OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily without quote marks I don't know wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY ALSO WITHOUT QUOTE MARKS, AND WITH THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON TOO.

"Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought this fic had class... I mean I thought it wuz class." you said finally hoping he couldn't c da potion in ur pocket... because the author apparently thought you, the reader, were in this fic for some reason.

"Oh ok u can go now." said Profesor Slutborn, because that excuse works every time!

You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes. By the way, reader, take my clothes off! They should be worn by ME, and only by ME! Also, Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez Will Never Hurt U by MCR... and they'll probably end up sounding better than MY crappy band!

"Oh hi you guys." I said seductively. "Wheres Satan?"

"Oh he's cumming, and pretty soon he'll have to change his clothes too." said Serious. "BTW in keeping with the theme of giving canon characters uncharacteristically dark-sounding new names for no reason, u can kall me Hades now." Suddenly Satan came, and of course, had to change his clothes. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson (Soulja Spirit Buu Jackson?), blak congres shoes (the choice shoes of the White House), a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie because Tara just felt like sticking two random men's clothing items together.

"OK I will see you guyz at da concert." I said and then I went with Satan... where I would probably be doing some... Satanic things... I guess.

**_Seven chapters left!_**


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